I got down to 62kilos. I've never been that light for as long as I can remember. Then something happen, I went on holidays, I was babysitting and inside everyday, I didn't go to the gym and I ate all their free food. I got bad old and bad sloth like habits and have gained 8 kilos. When I last went on the scales, a few days ago, I weighed in at 70 kilos. I haven't been this heavy in such a long time. I don't know how I could have done this to myself and let my self loose so much control. It broke me down, now I don't have enough spirit to even get back to going to the gym everyday because well, what's the use? I'm always going to be fatter. But now I'm left feeling like shit. For some reason my anxiety has risen to a point where I don't remember when it was this bad. I'll haveatleast 3 attacks day. Mainly when I wake up. It takes me so long to compose myself to go to school or sleep when it hits at night. What girl doesn't want to be hot and skinny? That's why I try not to talk about how bad this is affecting me to others hence me writing it in a blog.
A lot of people think they are fat, and they arn't. They wouldn't know what it's like to be fat. I do. When I was 14 I weighed 85 kilos. I was classified as obese. I'm so scared to be that again.I got teased daily for being that big. I know how it feels to be ridiculed for just your appearance, people are shallow and say things they don't relize would have the affect that they would.
I don't think anyone understands what goes on in my head but everyone does, I've learnt that. We all have the same insane thoughts. I still won't share mine, this is only a glipse into my insane mind set on these. And the rest I will never tell because frankly, who cares. Everyone is dealing wi the same shit.

And it would attention seeking. Not an actual issue.
Apparently.

I have not blogged on here for such a long time, it seems like a whole new me is here now.
One that walls have been breached and everyone can see my insides so im starting to self destruct to keep my secrets hidden. i dont know where im going with this or in a bigger picture of where i am going with anything. i drown myself and do anything to feel numb just so escape reality and push the things i dont want to deal with further under. I have done this or have gotten so use to doing this that i stopped relizing.It wasnt until my biggest inspiration told me to "fuck off, i dont care" that i got hit with what i have been doing. im creeping more and more into a dark cave. alone. and that where all my unconscious protective walls have gotten me. feeling alone. well, honestly, i am alone. i really do believe that. but then im not i have so many amazing people around me. but im just pushing them away. i got told today that i have to not judge people on the basis of what people have been like in the past. that i shouldnt leave people before they have the chance to hurt or leave me because it might not ever happen. But im not giving people the chance. im running so far away that people stop knowing who i am. I dont want that though. i want to be happy and bubbly and energetic again. the world has consumed me with all its darkness and im trying to light a candle. ive built up so much negative energy over the years, my own and others, that now its all coming out and i feel over cynical. i cant be around people, i cant be around loud noises or huge atmospheres because i get nervous and freak out. more and more im thinking that no one wants me around so i stop everything to stop annoying them. i go out every weekend, sit in their lounge room and just chill, i barely sleep. i dont run around, do weird funny shit or really have fun anymore. i feel like im faking and forcing everything. even whilst writing this my mind is in a million places. but im trying, im trying to be worthwhile for myself, im trying to become a better person. an older, improved version of the old me. not this ugly aura that is all i am now. i dont want to push people away anymore, im trying to take it all in. but im just so lost.

The only reason i wanted my old facebook back was so i could look at you.
Now im struggling to breathe, shaking and trying to pull it together.
This pain means you were real. Our friendship was real.
But that makes your absence real too.
I remember now how we met, at a gig, i was with aaron.
I dont know how it came to this but i ended up taking your beanie
and thats how we started, playful and fun.
I love you.

I hate the hype and pressure that is around body weight. That the now perfect body in the views of girls is some pole like figure with bones sticking out everywhere. I hate how at times it makes me feel so horrible because i love to eat cake, go out with friends, eat whenever and whatever i want. Ive got curves and i know that and in a a lot of ways i love it because guys do to. I'm sick of hearing how many calories are in something or how much you ate. Fuck you guys i would have eaten double the amount you have and could eat more. I quess if you think I'm over weight then yeah i probably should look after what i eat but I rather be happy and not controlled by such a thing.
A lot this year that has happened has put everything into perspective. I live for someone else not for me, I'm out every weekend because i want to be surrounded by the amazing people in my life, i do illegal things, not because it's cool or whatever attention seeking bitches want to call it, but because it's what i do and i like it and have always been like this.
Ive got pink hair and honestly the besets truest people in my life.
I wish i coupled have the guy of my dreams, one day maybe i will, im insane and it makes me crazy and cry and then become hysterically happy. Maybe being in love with a stranger will always be better then being in love with someone you completely know. It doesn't hurt as much even though sometimes it can feel like them are the only thing worth living for.
I haven't got time for fakes in my life which is why i don't have many people in mine. I do hate majority of pele because they have all. Shown a side of them that i don't want to be around and life is to short to be Andover down by such things.
I have no need for money or materialistic things. I mainly use money for food or drinks or other slightly pointless things but i honestly wouldn't care if i was broke but had the best people around me.
I want to find someone that is not connected to the rest of my life and tell theeverything, my whole life story. Then they could tell me theirs. There is one guy that knows as much as i have opened up to anyone verbally but now he doesn't even are if i was alive or dead.
I need. To make time for the people i know are wrth it but I'm to consumed by other things to make time for and i will make the time.

i feel like i cant have bad days, or feel bad or want to complain.
It makes me feel horrible and selfish.
I know my life could be alot worse. I know people who have it alot harder.
But then i know people who couldnt have it any better and complain 24/7.
I never want to seem like anything is bothering me, let alone let people know about things.
I do want to talk to people, tell them about things, then i just feel stupid.
Ive tried, because i had to explain why i wasnt talking to them and it just made me feel pathetic.
So as i am now, i probably still wont talk to people about anything.
And lie about it or shrug it all off.
I want to be strong for the people i love, they dont need me to be weak.
I took the day off school today, to catch up on school work but i slept til 1. i went to sleep at 10 oclock last night.
Im currently doing school work and feeling alright about it, i need to get through this year with a decent grade because i know how much people have sacrificed to put me in this position.
One day, ill cry and be able to tell someone everything. That poor person. But then again this person might just hear it, laugh at me, call me stupid and walk away. And they would be right and ive atleast opened up.

I have constant moments when i stop, think, relize and remember then cherish.
The fact that i am so lucky that i have a best friend as perfect as i do.
I believe its the best thing life could give. Love, friendship, trust, loyalty, everything in one pretty package.

Im so tired of crying everyday.

That awkward moment when my mum refers to you as my boyfriend and i yell at her about nothing then feel my stomach drop and want to have some sort of moment.

People like you hurt people like me.

Let myself down alot this weekend. Yet it was the best and a crazy weekend at the same time and thats all thanks to my friends! We do what we do and do it, well, well. And shit talkers talk shit about shit talking. As you can tell, my lack of sleep, or odd sleeping is catching up on me. Point is, im pretty shit but my friends make me look alright because they are the best of the best. It is time for me though to pull up to my standards and get my shit together and controled.

Most of the time i feel like everything in my life is getting to heavy for my to carry or that i just want to find where i can forget it and just be safe and warm. Then i remember the amazing people that i have, i remember the struggles they go through day to day, i remember that i have it pretty good then people that are struggling to feed themselves everyday or to support there family. Im lucky that im still here, that im still surround by the ones i love in such a beautiful place that gives me every opportunity i could think of. My family may fight, not live with each other, hurt each other, hate each other, just want to never see each other again but then there are times when we do come together and those short times when we are okay, its really great. Im over thinking about what i have had or dont have, or what kind of bad things i have gone through in my life because in the grand scheme of it all, its nothing compared to what other people have to face. My constant complaining about males or other people is starting to get on my own nerves. I shouldnt dwell in such nieve spaces. I should just look forward, im 17, im young, im still just in this small town, there is so much more to see, to feel, so many people to meet. People will always come in and out of my life, its been happening all my life. There are people i wish i could pull back in closer to me but they are people i cant but still love. They wont even relise that i feel so strongly for them. i believe once they leave me, there journey with me is over and they are on there way to there next place in life. No one likes going backwards. no matter how much the other person in staying still waiting for them to turn around. You should never turn around, you should just keep going because the pass shouldnt wayyou down but give you motivation to push forward. Then i remember who i am living for, my biggest inspirations to stop looking at the ground, to lift my head and be better then i ever was. Right now im so sick of all my negative energy. I need to grasp the better things, the better people, grasp a better lifestyle. Yes, like every girl on the face of the planet, i hate the way i look. Yes i am going to rant about it, then hopefully never bring it up again. I hate how i look in the mirror, it makes me want to be sick. I find my self repulsive. Ive been trying for two years to get to the body type i want and im still not there, i have given up many times but i try and pick my self back up. I truely believe that if i was skinny my life would become more simple. I hate feeling gulity after every meal, i hate that i think about what i should and shouldnt eat that i just eat everything, i hate that i do just eat and eat and eat. i go to the gym for an hour every school day, i do half an hour of dance on monday, an extra hour class tuesday, hockey training wednesday then i play hockey on saturday. Yet still im not good enough. So it must be what i eat right? then i could be like " im not going to eat" BUT in real life, that doesnt work because you screw up your metabolism down so much that when you get older and cant work out all the time and want to go out and eat with your friends or family, the weight doesnt come off and you gain weight quicker. so really there is nothing i can do but whine then im sick of everyone else whining about the same thing so im going to stop. ive said what i wanted to and now i forever wont again. There are a few things i wish i could tell very certain people, but im embarrassed by them, im worried even they culd judge it. Sometimes i think im just a massive failure and a fuck up. Maybe because my parents and things seem to steer me into that thought. But i try. Then i get stressed then just want to be around my friends because they are the thing in my life that make everyday better and better. So i forget about school, i forget about my family. And just do things to make it all go away and seem so much easier. yet ofcourse you always have to go back to what your running from because you cant run forever then you relize what your running from is really yourself because you cant take a handle of anything that you havent even got a handle on your own mind or where it goes and the things it does. Anyways, i really just wrote all this out to avoid some sort of breakdown because im sick of them and have a headache.

I thought i was being so strong i thought i was handling it.
But then you message me and i breakdown.
Its because you did give me such false hope, you did mean alot to me, you still do and not writing back takes so much strength. I know your not a good person anymore, i would never be able totrust you again and nothing will ever change what you did even if you ever did want to take it back.
You make me feel hidious and fat and ugly.

I hate how worthless this has made me feel.
I hate you.
I hate more that i already miss you.

You da man.

If i thought i felt bad a few days ago, i feel a million times worse now.
Im sorry im not a model or good enough to keep you.
I cant say i never saw this coming, because that would be a lie.
I knew i wasn't up to stratch from the start.
But things happen, people relize things.
Im not going to say it does hurt either, since it does.
I actually thought that maybe, it would be alright to let someone in.
But no. Again i am right, im never letting anyone else in again.
Another part that makes this worse is that you dont care.
You dont care that i found out, now im just out of the way.
You wont try and get me back, And yeah, that hurts.

I let myself down daily and its starting to really get into my brain.
Im the worst daughter and sister, im the worst friend and stranger.
But i dont know what to do anymore.
There is one thing i want to be and ive been trying for two years to be.
I have one person, one person that i love with all my heart.
Someone that i confid with for everything, someone i do take for granted.
I feel like im becoming a burden though.
Lately ive been feeling like everything is getting so heavy.
I wish i could talk about a few things with people. I wish i could be open.
Maybe then it wouldnt seem so heavy.
I know that i cant keep doing this. Its making me into someone i dont want to be.
Im cynical, I want to repeativly ram peoples heads into walls.
There is only one thing i ever want to do these days.
And it just makes me feel numb and i love it.
There is so much in my mind right now, and its keeping me in my bed all day today.
I wont be moving until i have to go play hockey.

Im trying but im to weak.
Im never going to get there.
Im never going to be able to do this.
I dont try hard enough.

I wish i wasnt so use to keeping everything inside me.
Im to use to keeping things bottled up that i have forgotten how to talk to people about things.
I try, i really do. I try to unload things but all that ever comes out are the stupid things.
I could talk about guys and my issues with them for days.
I could talk about how much i hate certain people and so one.
That stuff is easy, its light, slightly fluffy. There is no realy depth in it.
I would love to tell people certain things but i cant.
Im scared of what they will think, im scared they will think of me different.
I try to ignore everything so it doesnt seem real.
Not going to lie, it works. Half of my dramas seen like insane imagination.
It feels surreal but maybe its a hint of denial.
Then again, i know people can have it way worst then me.
So who am i to complain.

I had the best night with you and i kinda wish i could have you there everynight.
I have no doubt about my feelings for you.
I do have doubt in other things though, that arnt important now but the future.
I'm still just abit scared.

I hate you because im jealous and i wish i could have done it like you did.

i miss this.

I remember walking along the side of the road out of curiosity.
I remember the mass line of cars and confused, frustrated people inside them.
I remember passing people I knew and seeking information.
I remember coming to the flashing lights and people in uniforms.
I remember the sound of the helicopter, them loading someone then flying off.
I remember seeing the car.
I remember not thinking anything of it and asking how long traffic will be stuck.
I remember walking away.
I remember driving away in the car and backtracking, feeling tired and sick.
I remember the way i was feeling and how it brings me guilt now.
I remember the messages perfectly.
I remember the wrenching feeling in my stomach.
I remember the whole daunting trip home.
I remember that night.
I remember and see this everytime a moment goes silent.
I remember and see this everytime i close my eyes.
I remember and never want to forget.

Numb is all i have wanted to feel lately, and most of the time i am.
Its like im seeing myself watch myself. Most of the time in on auto pilot.
half of the time i have no idea what im doing, and im turning into something
i hate. But i dont want to feel anything anymore.
The moment i let one emotion in the rest come flooding in.
I start feeling like shit all over again.
What im doing to myself is the only way i can get through day to day.
I hate it but i dont think i can do it other wise.
I forget everything that has ever happened, i forget how it made me feel.
Right now, im feeling, im feeling ever bad feeling i have pushed aside.
I dont want anyone around me nor do i want to be around anyone.
to contradict myself, i want people to want to be with me.
But they dont.
And that takes to where my head is right now.
I have nothing going for me, personality, looks, brains, humour. Nothing.
I complain. And i cant sit here and type about how much i hate myself.
In the end i have to deal with it myself.
Im never going to be as good as anyone, im never going to mean much to someone.
Guys will always use me, People will always hurt me.
Its life, and im going to live it. numbly.
I had a talk about it with someone last night, who for some reason could relate.
We stayed up for a bit talked about the people in there life and how i view things.
It was kinda nice, but insane.
Im done with most of the people that are in my life again. Well, one, and a few more.
The one person that made everything and would make it okay wont be back.
So i just want to be alone.

i give up.

Whenever i feel down i can talk to him, and its nice, its abit odd, and funny, but makes me feel good.

Its seem like forever since i felt like this and now i cant shake it.
The last weeks have been so amazing and now i feel as small as an ant again.
I dont remember the last time where i hated everyones existance because
of how shit it made me feel all the time or how inadequite i feel in comparison.
There is only one person that makes me happy all the time, i know they will
never leave me or hurt me or anything along those lines.
I wish i could stop just feeling like this.

I had the best possible night last night, plans got changed but they were a good changed.
I couldnt stop smiling most of the night, those people are amazing.
Their unjudgemental ways and pleasant personalities made me feel so welcome.
Staying up all night and hitting bed for and hour and a half sleep at 7.
Good times. Good friends.

Every braclet i wear means something or represents someone.
I really love them.

Today i also got a boyfriend, hes pretty damn attractive and super cute!

So, all in all, my body is shit.
"Critically" low ion level, unstable sugar levels, some other thing i forgot,
I have to get more check to see if something in me isnt bleeding.
Woo. I love this.
They say all these things, tell me its bad and i have to make change
yet i feel fine, i dont feel sick or anything.
Sometimes weird things happen and my kidneys hurt at certain times
but that i usual kinda thing sometimes.

My favourite; my better half; My pea in the pod; my clown; my sunshine on a rainy day.
Ive never come across a friendship as pure as this one that i live to cherish everyday of my life.
Nothing is left in the dark between us, i tell her every little stupid fact about my life and what happens in it.
She puts up with my whining about boys and useless crap day in and day out.
As soon as something come up she is there. We are together, side by side.
She is there at the best of times, and shows me how good things can be. She gets me to live, pushes me to be my best and i hope i have the same effect.
She is the most beautiful girl i have seen, its something i do envy and every girl should, From the hair that i love (but she hates) to her brilliant blue eyes, cute smile, perfect body, amazing legs and tattoo'd foot. All the way to the core of her up front, humourous personality.
I trust her with all that i have, i know if something is wrong or i have done something, that she will tell me and not go behind my back and bitch like so many girls do to there "bestfriends".
We are with each other through thick and thin, through the good and the bad.
Nothings ever going to change that.

But you know what, maybe i will take the risk this time..

I wonder what it would be like to have guys wanting to talk to me all the time.
Making an effort with getting to know me or spend time with me.
Messaging me first and daily, not messaging numourous girls at the same time.
Have them thinking im the best girl out and that they just needed me.
I wish to one guy i could be their one girl..
Its probably not even a realistic concept.

I havent had my laptop for a few days, so i havent been able to write blogs
or anything and it made me relise how insane and cluttered my head can be
without letting it all out.
I pretty much just freaked one of my friends out today while i just went on
about the things i was worrying about and shit.
Im pretty lucky to have him i have to say.
well, now that i have the chance to blog my mind has gone abit blank.

Most of the time the male creature is on my mind.
Sometimes a good thing, sometimes a bad.
My thought right now is a little 50/50.
Guys are creeps, seedy and fuck and dont just take no
for an answer.
Then there are the guys who arnt like that at all, who
respect people, who are ligit and nice.
Sadly, for me, the impression the creeps gives is stronger
and has me generalizing the male category to all be creeps.
Two guys in particular have sparked this feeling,
thinking about them makes me sick in the stomach like
im about to throw up.
Makes me feel so dirty and useless.
I think of guys and think " no they only want one thing, will
sya and do anything just to have that." and it scares me.
how can i trust any of them?
I want to believe guys are good because i believe i have
someone so good, and its taken this long to relize it.
I hope that he isnt one of these guys, and im scared ill get
hurt, i dont know if its a risk i want to take.

mah beffl got ink!
and it bring all the boys to the yard.

fuck you guys.
fuck everyone who makes her shed a tear
or makes her angry
or causes her any discomfort.
your all fucked.
so fuck you.

No guy has ever proved me wrong.

i knew last night was going to be one i would enjoy.
Being sober for most of the start of the night,
fighting with someone then just being able to talk
to them about it. Even though they were really drunk
it was good to just say it all to you.
Im glad i was there for you, to kinda cheer you up.
Dancing the night away, talking to new and old people,
just having a good time, nothing was really getting me
down, spending time with someone who only seems
to be becoming a bigger part of my life.
Which i am scared for but im not going to stop it,
because it hasnt done me wrong yet.
When you gave me a bit of confidence in what we were
did make me suprisingly happy.
I can talk to you about everything, maybe because you
act abit girly so i feel like i can but that okay too.
Somethings i guess i wish didnt happen like they did,
but im not regretting them, because why should i?
Singing paramore at the top of my lungs with teagan
and randoms and just dancing with everyone there.
I really do like strobe lights. alot.
Walking home, making food, going back out, taking
an extra person home.
Random nights always turn out to be the ones that are
most interesting!
Sleep was.. interesting, to say the least.
But i got some un-jaded snuggles in with my favourite!
Also, i saw the most beautiful person in my life smile
like she has never smiled before!
Seeing her like that just made my night, nothing would
have got me down with her there so high!
im so happy for her, and i know it wont be the only time.
It was perfect!

Do you like it when i flow?

Im just sitting here, after an amazing walk with a very treasured friend.
Walks with him just make me feel great and we can just talk about anything!
Now im waiting for my favourite to finish work so we can have another
memorable night and i can feel it in my bones that it is going to be!
Im also eating the most amazing pizza with long named cheeses and i almost
ate some sort of italian ham or something because i though it was a sundried
tomato or something exotic. But! i was smart enough to google what was
unknown. im feeling pretty boss!

Living for you.

My holidays so far have been weird, random, amazing, funny and tiring.
And just so i dont forget im going to blurb the days that have past,
mainly so i actually dont forget because these memories are somthing
i dont want to misplace and not remember.

Day1, Thursday:
Teagan and I went to common ground in katoomba; the cutest, most
interesting and romantic place i have been to.
It looks like a tree house and run by a cult. What is there not to love!
Then we hit up late night shopping, got some good things, had some
interesting events, the best cupcake in the world, sushi.
All in all, this start to my holidays were a very large sucess!

Day2, Friday:
Im thinking i just stayed home and cleaned my room,
which is still so clean and im so so proud!
makes me happy when i can keep my room clean!
its very exciting.
Oh then i went sock & clothes shopping with aaron,
dyfan and jack. That was fun.
Pretty relaxing day that was.

Day3, Saturday:
SHOREFEST! one of the chillest, best times ive had with a
certain group of people. A free festival, filled with my favourite
kind of music, in sydney. Ticks all my boxes.
The train trip up and back were both as hilarious as each other.
Being separated during a dash to a train only added to our
adventure, and the drunken episodes of Blake.
Then to make plans to party on back home but them getting
cancelled but it was okay because mum was happy i was home early!.

Day4, Sunday:
Meeting up with my favourite for coffee turned into one random night!
lovely coffee and catchup time, walking in the rain then hanging around
my house with dyfan out of the ran, singing and laughing.
then to move on to a night at shaynes and free drinks, interesting info,
stupid girl and a real good time then moving on to jakes where we raided
for food then stole his bed, surely to his pleasure.
Having only about 2 hours sleep but laying around laughing, getting scared,
telling stories, thats a good night!

Day5, Monday:
Getting up and leaving jakes early to do a day of babysitting wasnt as bad as
i thought it would be, i wasnt so tired and i was just buzzing along.
I love babysitting Levi, he can be a pain but he is my joy.
Then after babysitting hitting up metro5 for red riding hood with teagan and
jake. Wasnt as good as i thought it would have been but i kinda dislike the
actress so that could be way, was good though. Then slipping into Hop and
wtahcing all of it. It was so cute and did make me laugh.
I looove russel brand. Teagan stay at mine this night, i was unable to keep awake
for long but it was all good.


Day6, Tuesday:
Waking up near to midday, great sleeep. Making tea with the most amazing girl
then making brownies and watching wanted, which i really loved!
I think after teagan left i did nothing very interesting at all. This could have been the
day i bought a new hair dryer, which is pretty snazzy.
I think i remembver laying in bed for hours to escape the cold because i hate it.

Day7, Wednesday:
Went and spent time with my male favourite before he went away for a few days,
sitting around talking, going through adorable pictures and videos of him dancing
an then some quality wii time. Its always such a good time with sam. Then he
drove me to the train station so i could meet up with aden, kurt and jye to see
the beiber movie which was completly Aden's idea. Some of the most interesting,
strange boys but never the less great to be around and really funny.
The beiber movie actually wasnt that bad, he is just abit cute!
Then i ran late for training but it thought i did pretty well.
Heading back to teagans to organise the night ahead. getting out stuff together,
tanking it walking on the train tracks, being sly, feeling abit sick, meeting aden
kurt and jye, getting some good, heading to brodies, chilling out, goon,
good times, sick, getting cold, eating bread, in there someone trying to light
people on fire, passing out on the couch, woken up by two very attractive people,
freezing, dazed, long walk back home. very very very good night. very random.
Im not drinking goon or passion pop again.

Day8, Thursday:
Getting picked up early to go to bathurst, which i was ment to drive up but i was way to
tired and other things. Leeaving a lovely lady to sleep. Feeling seedy as. I slept the whole
trip up and wish i could just keep sleeping. Spent the day with mum and daddy which i
thought was a good thing to do since i havent spent much time with them.
bought "a haunting" i cant wait to find someone to watch it with!
get my marathon rolling. Going to dye my hair tonight i hope, purple it up.
the rest of my day is going to be a mass relax.

i was crazy about you.. i still am.

The other night i had a cry about you when talking to my bestfriend about you.
then i was trying to find something in my inbox and fell across old messages
from you and i felt such a pain in my body.
You were the best guy i have ever come across and something made you
leave me, and more then likely it was me.
Then i went to skrew it up more with something that i know never was going
to become what i would want it.
The jokes on me and i deserve it.

also, if people think im a bad person because i dont make an effort,
or im a bad friend for the same reason.
Where is your effort?
drama is drama, everyone is craving it and creating their own.
All i really want is to have a good time!
which i very much have been having.
stop giving me a headache with your shit.

I've had the best possible start to my holidays.
Shorefest was such a great day and my last night
Was so fun, hilarious and just a good time.
No sleeping, freaking each other house, sharing beds,
Tell sluts to get out of my grill, running into a door,
Scaring an old lady, sleeping arrangments.
LG

i love you, i said it, im admitting it.
the distance between us hurts.

Just because this is my public blog.

I can saaaay wha i want, yo. And be a dick, cause i like to be.
Its pretty fun, would i lie in a blog? :3

But on a serious note, WHY WONT MY BEAUTIFUL NEW TUNNELS GO IN!
made me so sad i just wanted to create waterfalls!
not really, it actually is alright, means i get to go bigger and still wear them! :D
LG!

I cant wait for thursday! and i cant wait to dress up as link on saturday!
i cant wait for shore fest! i hope he stays friday night!
i want to dye my hair but link has blond hair! D:
I cant wait for my luna park date!
I cant wait to eventaully see red riding hood, its going to happen!

i really do enjoy short hair, why was i dying to have long hair so bad.

and to finish, My bestfriend is better then yours.
Caio.

I REALLY LOVE CAKE!
TROLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I wasnt going to blog this on here but thought it was a trueful thing for public to see.

Maybe ive been wrong, Maybe i am just finding this out.
Maybe people arent so bad.
Maybe some people actually are not out there just to hurt me.
Maybe everyone wont just leave me.
Maybe people actually want to stick by me through the good and bad.
Maybe people actually value my friendship.
It makes me so sad that i have shut off people from giving them
the chance to show me they are different.
Ive just seen it, felt it, heard about it so many times.
People hurt and i dont want to hurt anymore.
But relizing people might not be all the same make me hurt.
I forgot there are good people in the world.
Only very few people havent left me and have always stuck by me.
So ,so many people have walked away, turned a blind eye when
things started getting a bit rough. Or they ignored it.
People i felt so strongly for, just left. Without anything, nothing.
And here i am, scared, guilty, in the past, hurt.
I cant trust you all.
I only trust one and a few.
Because of what humans have done to themselves and each other.

I am so sorry to the people that care about me.
Im so so enteraly grateful to the people i have and love and trust.
Fuck the people who are two faced, left me, fuck me around, hurt my true friends.


And to say for most of the people of lithgow,
One of my dearest friends came back to visit
i could tell how bad people here made her feel,
it killed me. I hated it and hate the people in this town
even more then i did before this weekend.
Im so sick of it.

Im living, creating great memories, becoming somewhat less stressed with everything.
I have one amazing person that takes most of the credit for this.
Then i few other amazing people have contributed aswell.
Im not going to sit hear and type "ive found out who all my real friends are"
But more so the i have found the people i feel best around, who i am comfortable with,
whom i trust, share the the good and bad times, to just live life with.
The people that would talk behind everyones back, bitch, fight, cuss, fake, annoying,
stupid, vicious, mean but then lovely to my face and to the faces of others.
To those people, people see it, im not stupid, i notice, i hear it.
Its so aggrivating that i just couldnt handle it.
You can all blame me all you want for whatever issues you have but in the end
of the day its you that has to live with what things you say and do and the
people you are around and how you act towards other people.
So right now in my life, it just feels like some good ol' times.
Bring on the holidays, i dare them to be as memorable as the summer ones.
im crushin :3

Going through these blogs and seeing the ones that were all
" im always going to love you "
well, i guess it just wasnt true because ive relized how it is without
you and its just like how it was when you were here.
Which is not how it should be.
Im happy now. Im happy with the people in my life.
You cant message me after a month of not being here seeing
if we still have something.
Alots changed, alot has happened.
ive moved on, he makes me happier then you ever did already.
so no, we dont have anything anymore.
You cant come to me looking for sympathy because you say
you have no one when i know your with those girls again.
And i finally really just dont care. You had your chance.
so i dont want you messaging me anymore.
I just relized ive got no clue what love is.
i thought i loved him but then i just dont.
my idea of love is so far from that.

i just want to curl up beside him in bed and lay there.
feel him breathe, hear his heart beat, share his warmth.

Tka - Just, thankyou so much. So much, for everything your doing and have done for me.
Your giving me so much strength and im just so grateful for you.
Your pulling me through with so much hope.
i love you.

I wish i could say something to you!
The level of annoyance and frustration i have built up, its raging.
But its not worth the stress nor drama.
I just wish you would wake up to yourself
and relize its not all about you.

I wasnt going to blog about it, but i do just want to say.
The strength of your friends and family
gave me so much hope and strength.
Now i will do anything for them
They are amazing, like you already know. <3

ashes to ashes, dust to dust, life is to short, so party we must.

Its not!
Its not.
People have to stop saying it is because its not!
its just not.
no, it cant be!

I told myself i was never going to write on here again
i was never going to share my emotions or thoughts.
But i cant keep this in and i dont know who i could talk to.
I know their closer friends may take me as an insult
or someone that isnt close enough to feel this way.
But i do, he was one of the most passionate people in my life
and i did love him for everything.
I hadnt known him that long, yes. But i time i have has made
an impact on my life so i shouldnt feel like im intruded for
feeling like this.
my tears and my worry for them is real.
And im praying to any god to just hear our prayers for them.
I dont know the state they are in or what happened,
i just hope that i see them as soon as i can
and hope that they get better and recover.
Everything i have goes out to them and their family and their friends.
Much love <3 and cannot believe that this has happened to either of you..

And now people are saying their names and what happened on facebook!
I did display my concern on facebook but i never said who they were or why i wished it would be fucking okay.
The people who were informed and are being more informed then others are the ones that know, people that dont should!
Now people are just asking and searching for the answers in something that will only be tragic news to them.
This is my blog, and thats how i feel.
I know they need all our prayers and support but im sure they need some fucking privacy!
Fuck.

I was there for the good times too...
This isnt a charade...
Im sorry im putting it on the internet.. but i cant release any other way
and thats my flaw!
But i know they will get better! I know they will.

And no, i dont want to sleep and see what its like in the morning.
I know it wont happen.. but what if im needed,
Im going to be up and alert to do anything i can.

Soooo i know i said i wasnt going to blog again
but i just have so many nice photos! so i think ill just post photos.
Not deep, meaningful things that people are bored of hearing off me.
Photos i like :D

I think im going to get a new blog. One that only i and maybe one other person will know about.
I dont want to write on here anymore, but im to lazy to make a new one.
Something to aim to get.

As if i didnt already feel shit and like a slut.
Thanks..
I know im not the most innocent girl but im
not as bad as you make me out to be!
No, im not embarrassed or ashamed to allow myself
to try and move on and be happy.
Obviously you are still embarrassed by me.
No wonder i surround my life with stupid boy crap.
It completly takes my mind off everything else in my life.
So damn easily! Everything in my life just stops mattering.
And i love that, i love forgetting.

I need a way to express everything that is in my mind.
I can't tell people, i can't blog about it.
I complain to much as it is and it's all the same shit.
But I just wish i would feel like im not being weighed
Down by my own thoughts.
I wish I could be with him tonight though,
I feel like he is way out of my league but he makes me forget.

Wake in the moons sweat.

Dont you hate when you feel like you have no one to talk to?
because the people that would care and listen all the time have
already heard so much and they are probably sick of it.
Then you just feel more alone and what is worse is that
you know your not alone but you still cannot shake the feeling.
What would i even tell people if i had someone i could talk to?
Tell them the things they already know and have heard 100
other girls say? Which thinking about that just makes me feel
so mundane and un-important.
Things these days have been looking so much brighter but a
part of me is going more into the dark.
I do feel like im still watching myself live, numb in a way.
But im not to bad with that, i dont feel hurt when im like this.
I just live and keep on living.

Reliving.

The nights we spent together. When you were there when no one else was. You made me happy. I told you everything and anything. Laying in bed til late in the day. Staying up all night. Having your arms around me. Talking at all hours and not getting bored. Holding your hand.

Having you. Wanting you. Missing you.

You never gave a mother fuck.

I wish i could look like how i do in my new photos.
When i look at them im pretty amazed.
But its not actually me, i never look like that.
An amazing photographer with such talent can do it to anyone.
When i look at them i see someone that i have never seen before.
I know and can see what has been photoshopped.
So really all i can see is what i wish i looked like. The best me.
Not the me i am.

I just relized something. It doesnt matter how i look.
Im sick of giving a fuck. I dont want to wear makeup.
I just want to throw my hair up in a ponytail.
I want to chill in my pjs.
What does it matter in the end.
I have my friends i have things that make me happy.
Its enough for me. I relize this right now

I need to.

Rape will be consented.

Once upon a time, I had my chance for a happy ever after.

I wasnt worth the fight or the effort.
Now we are here. Like we never existed.
I am sorry. For everything i did wrong.
We werent bad. We were amazing.
Two Different people, Different places.
We were forever but right now tore us apart.

We werent anything, but you were everything.
For that short time that you were there.
Has made you still be here in my mind.
I know your not, i know you have no interest in being here.
i cant stop my thoughts drifting to you.
Its like sometimes i lose my breathe when it happens.
I look up at the stars and look for a certain one.
It reminds me of you, alot does.

I dont know what this is. I dont know what to think of it.
But i dont mind it.
Im not sure of it but i think i was i would back out.
Its good for right now and i enjoy it.
So soon and we are quite close, i think.
I curious of what you tell people.
Im curious of you in general.
So much more that i could write but, im not going to.
Im going to try and keep certain things just in my mind.
Im to open with everything in my life.
There are somethings i wish i could forget but relive over and over.
the sinking feeling i get when i remember lets me know it was real.

Human emotion is strange.


Tonight i went into a day dream, everything that would tear me down did.
i ran and hid, tried to breathe, cried.
Messaged you and for you to not bring anyone else, just you.
You came, you held me, you made it all okay.

 

sleep is for the weak.

I walked into maths to day with the knowledge of doing a test.
I got my paper, sat down and looked at it.
I didnt answer one question, everything on the paper made no sense.
Its like it was written in a language i was unfimilar with.
I have no motivation for school or achieving.
So there goes my school life and making people proud.
I wish i could, i wish i could understand, study for hours, get top marks.
Yet for some reason i cant, because i suck.
Im tired and worn out.
Im confused and abandoned.
Hmm wonder what he is doing?
Im also so excited for the weekend!

And after a bag of cheesy balls..

Its real now, You have no attactment to me and its what i wanted.
I didnt want to drag you down with me.
But now you can go do whatever you would like, with whoever.
I know i shouldnt be thinking about it but i cant help it.


It was werid today because it wasnt you who was there.
I dont know if it felt okay or not.
I know now and from now on, you wont be here. It scares me.
I know i have my friends around and im so thankful.
they have been and always will be the only thing keeping me from losing it all again.
Im not going to depend on them though, its why i had to have a break with you.
It does feel more like a break up... maybe it is..
Just seeing that, having it sink in and hitting my chest. Well, hurt.
But im doing this for me, to me. Its always only been me.

Im still left here, thinking about what you could be thinking about..
But i know, last night it wasnt me..

If someone wants to be a part of your life they will make the effort to be in it.

I was doing fine today, I thought it was going so good until that moment that and i lost all my stability.
I felt like i just wasnt there anymore. I couldnt breathe, i couldnt think. I still feel like im slowly drowning.

I really hope tomorrow just goes well.

Curl up in a ball and die a little.

Im so scared and more and more putting myself in a hole with the hope i can get myself out.
Im all alone now, i am by myself in this and its how i wanted it.
I need to work my own things out and not drag people down into it.
I cant expect him to be there all the time to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
I cant expect people to run their lives around me.
I know i need to do this even though all i want is you back in my bed.
This time i have to be strong, i cant run to you tomorrow when im feeling weak,
I dont want to put you through this again and i know if i dont sort it out i will.
But i do understand if you cant be here..
There is no doubt about me loving you.
I didnt want to cry in front of you, i didnt want to show you that side of me again.
I couldnt help it because the thought of me doing it hurt me so much.
And thats why im a mess, its why you deserve better, Its why i hate myself.
Because i can never make sense, i can never do things right and i hope this time i can..

Im Not This Girl. Ive Never Been This Girl.

FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.
Yeah, so i got a feeling things are just about to get so much more complicated cause im selfish.
Fuck.
As much as this put a smile on my face, now i dont wont to wreck it.
But i have to tell you! I really wish i didnt have too. I know it wont be normal if i do!
Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Im really am such a messed up, bad person!
Now ive got the butterflys, the nerves, scared.
Now im over thinking. blargh.
WHY IS NO ONE AWAKE! 

Just stomping on people hearts. Fuck.

I feel like the worst person in the world.
Im so just wanting to rage quit on life. Or just run away for anything.
And to someone else, when did you become such a jerk?! or rude and confident?
I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry some more to be honest.

Lets just fall.

I think i have been fighting with my feelings and trying to get yours for to long that im over it.
And i am sorry, but i really can't anymore, emotionally and physhically.
I would love us to still be friends but i know you wont be able to do that or stay in my life.
but i know that and willl have to live with it.
I dont know if i actually have the guts to do it, i dont know if i can.
I think i need to do it for myself though.. I want to be happy.
I do think that maybe there isnt a better guy out there for me so i could be throwing away the best thing that will ever happen to me but maybe another guy out there will love me too.
Im so bad at this..

I think i saw you in my dream you were stitching up the seams on every broken promise.

Going through all our past conversations... Its unbearable in how much i miss you.

I want a massive tedddy and be spoilt!

Im always playing with fire when it comes to you..
I know your not going to be that guy i want but i still want you.
I knew i wouldnt be getting anything today..
And even when you came to the door and said that you hadnt i still smile and said it was fine.
That you will get me something, but now its not the same if i didnt get you something you wouldnt even think of it.
Then you say that your sorry you never get me anything. And it feels like i got punched in the gut.
Today was a horrid valentines day. Im so sick that i cant breathe through my nose
but im glad i can eat normal again and god i was hungry, ate anything in the kitchen!
I hope to god its not a long flu!
I really wish i got something from anyone for valentines day...
Even some chocolate to eat while i drown my sorrrows.
Then to think i know im still going to stick around.
I cant expect people to help me with this because i wont help myself.
I have to stop complaining about it because its my own fault.

I wish i could be your princess.

I just finished wrapping your presents and im so confused on what to write on your card.
You wont even give me the time of day to see me tomorrow, i bet you havent given it a thought.
I ask to see you today, you reply its to late, then i ask to see you tomorrow and another excuse.
you tell me you have been stood up all day, but how is that my fault! why take it out on me.
I dont know what else i can do to make you want or love me more.
Am i being that bad of a girlfriend that you dont really want anything to do with me?
Maybe if i change my looks more then you will want to be around me?
Why cant i just be enough!
Then for me to pour my heart out to you hopeing that you would just care and be here for me.
But then to get no reply after it hurt so much.
This constant back and forth is destroying all the strengh i have got over the years.
Im so lost.

I want a crush that im inlove with.

I love those first moments of meeting someone and its all new and fun.
I love those first times you message for hours on end and its so interesting because there is so much to know.
i loe that excitment, that mystery, those nerves. And they are all of the good time.
Why does it get to that point where all that goes and it stops being cute and interesting and fun.
Why does the Mystery and nerves turn into something we dread.
Or maybe its just me. And what i put myself though.

Take back those words unsaid.

Im so fucking sick of everyone.
There are a few people in my life that i have now consider and have proved to be something i need and want in my life.
And when i say few, i mean one or two.. People that have been here not only when they want me but just for some good times. I have very little friends even though people consider me "popular" and i dispise getting called that. If i was i would have more people in my life considering me important as i would them.
In another sense i have alot of people i do cherish and i care for them so much yet these people are probably the people that are the lease in my life and i never see them but when i do its so good and i get so happy. Does that make us friends?
if we are only hear for each other on ocassion and on and off.  Even the concept of friends in becoming complex.
People either want me in there life or they dont. They want to be here for me and ill be there for them. They will want to make the effort to see me or talk to me and i promise to make the effort in return. But if you dont, then im okay with that because i do not need the extra stress nor the frustration. I want to be so happy like i was only mere weeks ago.
And to the few people i have tried so hard with. Im sorry for everything, for the past and present. I hope all our futures are alot better. To the few that are with me still. i love you so immensly and cannot imagine life without you anymore

I make up crazy situations in my imagination

Why can i not stop thinking about you.
Why cant i just get it in my head.
Why do i just want what we had.
Why am i doing this to myself.
Maybe summer creates these things and dissappear as summer does.
I really hope that isnt that case but i dont see how i can get it back.
I always try to have situations where i dont get hurt but i dont always remember they they could.
I want something that doesnt exist anymore.
I just want it back, so bad.
And my wanting that is so bad.

i need a balance, one i cant find.
im so skrewed and alone.

A battle never won nor lost.

At the end of the day the only person you have is yourself.
People are not going to be there for you all the time.
People are not going to make you happy all the time.
Because frankly, they have their self to worry about.
Im trying to relize this. And im getting there.
Its something someone wise and important would always tell me.
At the end of the day i have to answer to myself.
Need to stop thinking that i need people around or to talk to, to make things alright.

And to add, im so sick of people being so superficial, im trying to lose it.
Guilty as charge im superficial yes, now seeing how everyone else is.
Its making me just so annoyed. There are more important things in the world.