Most of the time i feel like everything in my life is getting to heavy for my to carry or that i just want to find where i can forget it and just be safe and warm. Then i remember the amazing people that i have, i remember the struggles they go through day to day, i remember that i have it pretty good then people that are struggling to feed themselves everyday or to support there family. Im lucky that im still here, that im still surround by the ones i love in such a beautiful place that gives me every opportunity i could think of. My family may fight, not live with each other, hurt each other, hate each other, just want to never see each other again but then there are times when we do come together and those short times when we are okay, its really great. Im over thinking about what i have had or dont have, or what kind of bad things i have gone through in my life because in the grand scheme of it all, its nothing compared to what other people have to face. My constant complaining about males or other people is starting to get on my own nerves. I shouldnt dwell in such nieve spaces. I should just look forward, im 17, im young, im still just in this small town, there is so much more to see, to feel, so many people to meet. People will always come in and out of my life, its been happening all my life. There are people i wish i could pull back in closer to me but they are people i cant but still love. They wont even relise that i feel so strongly for them. i believe once they leave me, there journey with me is over and they are on there way to there next place in life. No one likes going backwards. no matter how much the other person in staying still waiting for them to turn around. You should never turn around, you should just keep going because the pass shouldnt wayyou down but give you motivation to push forward. Then i remember who i am living for, my biggest inspirations to stop looking at the ground, to lift my head and be better then i ever was. Right now im so sick of all my negative energy. I need to grasp the better things, the better people, grasp a better lifestyle. Yes, like every girl on the face of the planet, i hate the way i look. Yes i am going to rant about it, then hopefully never bring it up again. I hate how i look in the mirror, it makes me want to be sick. I find my self repulsive. Ive been trying for two years to get to the body type i want and im still not there, i have given up many times but i try and pick my self back up. I truely believe that if i was skinny my life would become more simple. I hate feeling gulity after every meal, i hate that i think about what i should and shouldnt eat that i just eat everything, i hate that i do just eat and eat and eat. i go to the gym for an hour every school day, i do half an hour of dance on monday, an extra hour class tuesday, hockey training wednesday then i play hockey on saturday. Yet still im not good enough. So it must be what i eat right? then i could be like " im not going to eat" BUT in real life, that doesnt work because you screw up your metabolism down so much that when you get older and cant work out all the time and want to go out and eat with your friends or family, the weight doesnt come off and you gain weight quicker. so really there is nothing i can do but whine then im sick of everyone else whining about the same thing so im going to stop. ive said what i wanted to and now i forever wont again. There are a few things i wish i could tell very certain people, but im embarrassed by them, im worried even they culd judge it. Sometimes i think im just a massive failure and a fuck up. Maybe because my parents and things seem to steer me into that thought. But i try. Then i get stressed then just want to be around my friends because they are the thing in my life that make everyday better and better. So i forget about school, i forget about my family. And just do things to make it all go away and seem so much easier. yet ofcourse you always have to go back to what your running from because you cant run forever then you relize what your running from is really yourself because you cant take a handle of anything that you havent even got a handle on your own mind or where it goes and the things it does. Anyways, i really just wrote all this out to avoid some sort of breakdown because im sick of them and have a headache.