I have not blogged on here for such a long time, it seems like a whole new me is here now.
One that walls have been breached and everyone can see my insides so im starting to self destruct to keep my secrets hidden. i dont know where im going with this or in a bigger picture of where i am going with anything. i drown myself and do anything to feel numb just so escape reality and push the things i dont want to deal with further under. I have done this or have gotten so use to doing this that i stopped relizing.It wasnt until my biggest inspiration told me to "fuck off, i dont care" that i got hit with what i have been doing. im creeping more and more into a dark cave. alone. and that where all my unconscious protective walls have gotten me. feeling alone. well, honestly, i am alone. i really do believe that. but then im not i have so many amazing people around me. but im just pushing them away. i got told today that i have to not judge people on the basis of what people have been like in the past. that i shouldnt leave people before they have the chance to hurt or leave me because it might not ever happen. But im not giving people the chance. im running so far away that people stop knowing who i am. I dont want that though. i want to be happy and bubbly and energetic again. the world has consumed me with all its darkness and im trying to light a candle. ive built up so much negative energy over the years, my own and others, that now its all coming out and i feel over cynical. i cant be around people, i cant be around loud noises or huge atmospheres because i get nervous and freak out. more and more im thinking that no one wants me around so i stop everything to stop annoying them. i go out every weekend, sit in their lounge room and just chill, i barely sleep. i dont run around, do weird funny shit or really have fun anymore. i feel like im faking and forcing everything. even whilst writing this my mind is in a million places. but im trying, im trying to be worthwhile for myself, im trying to become a better person. an older, improved version of the old me. not this ugly aura that is all i am now. i dont want to push people away anymore, im trying to take it all in. but im just so lost.