Secret #7: sacrifice is the key to happiness

it seems as i have my gift of photography.
i just tried and it was horrible!
im hoping tomorrow night someone will get some good shots.
i bought the nicest dress today and i cant wait to wear it!
i want a new display picture on facebook.

i also have such a new found love for vampire diaries.
it is so amazing! i kinda wish i was a vampire.

Secret #6 : I think blue roses are magical.

When i needed someone the most he was there.
I dont think anyone has actually done that for me before.
It felt so nice to have you here, made me feel better.
I really don't know what it is about you, but something
just makes me feel so comfortable around you.
I can tell you anything and everything and not feel weird
or stupid about it. Thats a weird thing.
But its nice. Really nice.

secret #5: I love romance movies because the couples are so sweet.

Its funny how history repeats itself.
Its just creppy how soon it has and how exactly the same it is.
I know not to make the same mistakes but i have a feeling
that i wont be strong enough too.
The last time i was here it hurt. The reason i nearly lost the
one person i knew would be here even when not. The person
i was going to leave it all for got scared and back off. We lost
what ever connection we had and our friendship.
I was lucky that he was still here to take me back.
I trusted feelings i should not have. i know your not the same as him.
But even the same people are involved. Im not going to be that girl.

Secret #4: I think i am insane. Or a stereotypical teenager.

Ive suffered from anxiety and depression since i was 13.
Alone. Ive never had any help, ive never talked to anyone
about it, no one has known. Because i chose to be stronger,
I chose to over come it by myself and no one really cared.
Family and friends saw the marks and scars from what i was
doing to myself but never did anything about it, never asked if
i was okay or needed help. But i dont need help because im just
me and im dealing with it all just fine.


I dont even remember how young i was when my dad left, not by
choice. But he wasnt there, i was young, he was my favourite.
i didnt have him anymore, i was to young to understand.
I was to young to hear what my mum would say about him.
Then my sister grew up, and even she left me.
The one person that understood and loved me, left.
I had no one, no one cared, no one was there and i was left alone
Ive grown up around fighting, yelling. Hatred.
For as long as i can remember, my parents always fought.
They would throw things at each other, smash things, mum would
try and physically abuse dad. Then i would see the after math.
How broken hearted they both were. How everything in the house
was everywhere. And more times or not the cops would be around,


I use to have this nightmare of my parents fighting in the kitchen of the
very first house we ever lived in. They were argueing and food was going
all over the place and things being broken and i would see it all from a very
young me's eyes. But then i told my sister about it and i was really just re-seeing
something that actually happen. Seeing a fight that i had completly forgot about
that then haunted me for years.
Even when its really quiet, in my head all i can hear is yelling. Im insane.


I hate my mum. Shes destroyed me. Every single bit of me.
Torn from me everything i have ever loved. But still ill have sypathy for her.
She pushed away my dad, made my sister leave and now is trying to take me
from my friends. Shes what causes me to feel so low and useless.
When im not around her im fine, i feel good and normal.
But as soon as i see her it comes back. I feel like dieing.
I asked her for help once, and more times after that. She was the only person
i asked to help me. And she didnt. She couldnt have one of her daughters
being an embarrassment. Yet im still the dissappointment.
Even now she makes me feel like i have nothing to live for.


I have a condition, that is aparently due to trauma. I mentally block/forget things.
I forget the people that have hurt me or left me. I block out emotions.
Its to defensive thing. I block out what could danger me.
but its getting worse and out of control. I dont remember things i did a week ago.
I go uttly and completely numb, that not even cutting into my arm makes me feel.
I hate it. I hate feeling so out of control.


I want my mum dead.


I first starting cuttting when i was in year seven. In places everyone could see.
No one helped.
My first attempt of suicide was in year 8. I cut and took over the useage dose of painkillers.
No one noticed.
My first thought of wanting to be dead was before highschool. I use to right it on boxes.
No one was there.


I hate myself. I have never been able to look in the mirror and like what i see.
I believe no one can ever love me. i pray to god that one day ill wake up and
be anyone but myself. Because if the people i need the most walk away from me
then it must be me.
When my parents split i didnt even get the " its not your fault, we just cant be with eachother"
and even if i did get it, it has to be. Once upon a time my parents were happy together
then i came alone and now everyones life is fucked.


My 77 year old dad wishes he had my mum around to grow old with, i see how broken
his heart is. I see how much he cares, i see how lonely he is. I see how much he wishes
he had the money and he had the power to change how things worked out.
My insane mother thinks up crazy stories in her mind and fully believes them like they
are reality and tears people apart thinking there is nothing wrong with what she does.


I wish i could do something, i wish i could have done something before
But now im just no where. I cant change the way my mum thinks, i cant help
that to help my dad. I cant make money so everyone is happy.


The only time im ever happy is with my friends. I dont know if that is the real
me but i like that person i become. im smiley and funny and just happy.
But then i come back here again. I turn into the bitter girl that bites at whatever
people say. That goes through boxes of tissues crying while making blogs.
Always wanting to make scars but to scared of people seeing them. Just
wanting an escape. But knowing that if even one came i couldnt take it.


This cant even discribe of what i feel or what ive put myself through.
I dont want people to read this. I dont want people to pity me.
I just needed to write this out for myself, to try and remember.
To release. Then to act like the things in my life have never happened.

Secret #3: I asked for help when i was 13 and got ignored.

Not matter how bad we get i will always love you.
As much as you havent really been here, you always have been.
Today i saw you for the guy i love. Even though at the start my
head wasnt in the right place by the end it was.
It kinda reminded me of why im still here, because in some small
way i can make you happy.
I could never leave you because i would never want to cause you pain.
Though how could me leaving cause anyone pain?
I believe you would be hurt though, i cant do that to you.
For you to be happy I would give my life and happiness, for you.
Even though we cant talk for hours and we can get a little awkward,
its me and you baby. And we will work it out, work out how to do
this how relationship business.
Im going to make my head and heart feel the same, for you.

Ps. To the one person that has been there for me for the last few weeks,
showing me the best times that life offers. To you, thankyou. And I love you <3
I'll always be here, to hold your hand, even when you want to let go

PPS. You have the softest hands. Your the cutest thing in the world and make
me unbearably happy. Please dont leave.

Secret #2: Im terrified of being left alone again.

You make me wait for hours, days, a year.
I should be with you now but im not.
But im waiting, waiting for you to be ready.
Yet when i think your ready, it may be to late.
Im already thinking of him.
This is how i do, ill ignore all my other heartache
and fill my mind with such love filled obsession.

Secret #1: I use to weigh 85kgs.

Things in my life are both getting so much better but then
so much more complicated.
When i referr to things in my life im talking about a comonly
talked about section of my life.
I really hope he doesnt let me down but then on the other hand
i dont think i would really mind, because of him.
He had made me feel happier then i have in a while.
I feel smitten. I feel like im my age again and crushing on a boy.
I dont feel like im married and have to go through all the bad parts.
Im just happy. So unbelieveable happy.
And i love her. I love her for just making me happy in general.
Her for being there, her for being her, her for making my life interesting.
Im pretty high right now.

I also hate christmas. With a passion. I dont know why. I like presents but
i like presents any time of the year. Christmas is just stupid and angers me.

How Did We Even End Up Together.

I could never let you go, i was so set on me finally being able to.
I kept thinking i should do it, i should do it. Then something in me
kept me holding on. And here we are, still us, still holding on.
It doesnt help that i started to fall for him, ill keep thinking of him.
Yet my whole heart is going to my relationship, im using up
everything i have left to make it work, i dont know how, but it
will. To have you you hold me again and tell me you love me made
me feel like i use to feel, i was happy, happy to just be with you and
feeling your warmth again.
Please, for my sake, let it work this time.

I Never Want To Speak Again.

Ive been throught things people will never understand.
Ive done things people will never know.
I feel things people will never know because ill never tell.
Ive put myself in denial and its warm here.
So S.M.D, This is my life, i do what i will with it.
Ill trust you, knowing you will all fuck me over.
Ill love you, knowing you will tear me down.
Ill keep on living, knowing it will one day end.

Boys, Urgh.

Running into you made everything just so much better.
Having you actually there, that i could hug and talk to.

You werent weird or weird to be around, it was like
we see each other all the time.
Thinking about the little time i spent with you just makes
me smile. Your so nice and just lovely.
Im glad to have a friend like you. And i now know for
certain that even though there is so much distance between
us we will always love each other.

I cant wait for you to get back, i should be wanting such a
thing but i just want to spend time with you and talk to you.
I think you are just one person i will grow to love.

Today i cried, for us, for how we wasted this time and the love
between us. How we wanting the same thing but how it never
happened and how now we cant fix it because i know you wont
try. How did we both let this happen.

 

Kdawg.dizzle.fizzel.

We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.

You Were Still There When I Woke Up.

Im just sitting here, in a pretty tired state. But it has all been worth it.
Teagan, Maddy, Keira and various other people have made this last week
of my pure freedom perfect. Alot has changed in this time period.
Yet the people and things we have been doing just make me smile.
I dont want to lose this because it does make me just so happy.
I love that i can just message teagan and within the hour we are
together and doing something that makes us happy.
The good does out way the bad and during these next 6weeks
i want to keep thinking like that.
I relise that my problems shouldnt matter, they shouldnt alter what
i want to feel and im feeling great! im just feeling positive.
Im seeing all the great things and the people that im around lately
are doing this.
I hope to god it doesnt change or the people get sick of me >.<
I feel like i finally have someone that i can just talk to, its the
most amazing feeling. Being able to talk to you for hours and hours
even til early in the morning and knowing that it can come pretty rare.

also, p.s: you fucking know nothing.

I made the mistake of giving me to you.

Who do i turn to when im falling apart and no one cares to talk?
Everyone has there own problems, no one needs to hear mine.
i feel more and more like people dont care about me, they care
for my company. Or just like having me here for the fact that if
they ever needed me i would be here no matter what.
Do people actually take in a feel my emotions or just kinda help
but not feel for me?
God, i dont even know how to say it right.
I know all the people in my lie would be here for me.
But as i said at the start, everyone has there own problems, so mine
shouldnt be important, and they are stupid anyway so im just going
to sit and think and keep it to myself.

a thought just came into my head:
The night sky last night. on the 11/12 and 12/12. was breath taking.
i would have stared at it all night.

These Feelings Will Keep Me Here.

I had the best friday night with teagan and maddy.
And to everyone that was there, i needed some time
just to have fun and its what happened.
Then to spend the next day swimming with them and
some guys to attractive for their own good.
That then lead into a night with teagan, david and blake
watching movies. Which brings me today, waking for the
best sleep in teagans bed, celebrating my sisters birthday
and just having a good time.
It really was a perfect way to spend my last weekend of
freedom before my mum gets home.
I loved spending time with teagan, just made me realize how
much fun i have around her, no matter what we go through
or time we have apart we can always come back to this.
I treasure it.
Im saying this with complete honesty that she is the most
beautiful girl, with the best body, best looks, best personality.
she really doesnt have anything to worry about.
I know she wont be able to read this but its just facts.
i owe alot to her.

I really did miss my girls this weekend though.
i also relized that lithgow has shit all to do, at all.
Well that i know of.
Ive starting talking to this one person alot, and i love it.
I love having him to talk to the last few days, all day.
I feel a little guilty, but i dont really have anyone else..
Im really glad that we have actually been able to talk and
talk since i never thought we would.

But now i am on holidays, which im so thankful for.
I need time to sort alot of me out. i need to be away
from people. Because i get jealous and bity, its not
nice. i start hating myself more. But no more of that for me
i hope! need to get my train back on its tracks.
Atm, i hate people around you because you make me feel shit.

im tired.

I shouldnt even be talking to you, but i really actually love talking to you.
i hope this will not jynx my luck of friendship and such.
Though i do feel like you should be my secret.
When i saw you tonight, i got so excited and felt frantic.
a always noticed where you were in the room and just would
admire you when you would walk past and such.
But as i know you sweet to every girl, thats just you.
Never the less i love the feeling, but i shouldnt get attached.
Im also nervous to how tomorrow willl end up.
I feel like its make or break, for the 92749 time.

Love shouldnt hurt.
But it fucking does.

If You Want To Be Happy. Be.

 I found this beautiful. The tattoos, the tunnels, the hair, the confidence.

 I do wish more then i appriciate what i have. Im sick of wishing, i want things ohw i want them. It was so hard to even say wish then.

 This made me smile. Because its funny. But it does also remind me of when i was a child, and to what i can remember. I was pretty damn happy.

It does make me feel pathetic. You dont want me how i want you and its so clear. You dont realize how much you have broke me down then repair me slightly just to do it all over again. i dont understand, i ask everyone to see if they can help me understand. But no one can, you cant even. I guess im just not good enough to have you or your time, i just get a label.

My friends are the only people in my life that i will never, ever want to see in pain or to hurt or to lose. They give me the will to be happy and to smile, they give me reason to be me. I dont think the people in my life truely realize how thankyou i am for each one of them. I tend to drift away from the people i love the most because i feel like i cant hang on but im always going to love them and remember them.

 I wish i had someone. Some that would hold me, think im amazing, love me, want to spend time with me, think im important, care about me, to be there, to share the good time, to help me smile, to be the reason im full of joy. I want to love someone who will love me back just as much. More then anything and the wishing is breaking my heart even more.

I sometimes feel like jumping out a window and seeing if anyone would be there to save me.

Never Will Have The Will.

All i wanted was to you to stay with me for one night.
so i could spend time with you, lay it bed with you,
cuddle you, fall asleep with you then wake up in the
morning to you there.
but you couldnt care less. and i dont understand.
the more i think of it the more i think, well, maybe i
can just get someone else to fill the space.
I even kinda enjoyed laying in bed with someone i
wasnt sure i even liked, even though it was a terrible
sleep, it was still nice. Now if someone who is so
distant from me can do that why cant you?
I just want the company, the cutness, the compliments
the relationship, the good times.
Im not getting any of that anymore.
I want it with you because i wont ever deny my love for you
but it has been such a long time, nearly a year and nothing
has changed and it makes me think, if it ever will?
Im starting to want other people, but not in the i want you
in a relationship but im attracted to the way that they make
me feel. Why dont you make me feel special?

make or break.

I dont know if you want this anyone.
I really dont know if i want it.
I want you. But i dont want this whole
situation. I dont want to not be able to
say with complete confidence that im with
because i dont feel it so i dont say it either.
I say "its compliated" or "kinda"
I should be saying "yes"

I actually have a really big fear of cars,
which i more so relized today but i always
knew i was. Maybe ill bring this up in
another blog.

I'm so fucking sick of this and how i am and how i feel.

"I need to break, be broken. I want to remake, create and become stronger."

The way you say things to me about me and just how much you make me feel good.
Does really feel good. I do know im not the only girl you do talk to like this.
But i dont care. I enjoy the feeling to much. And im really excited to see you.
Nervous at the same time though.

Everyone Has Left. Dont Add To The List.

This really is like a drug. No matter how much i want to stop, i cant.
Ill always keep coming back for more. You do put me on the biggest
high but then when i dont get enough i feel like im falling through the
floor. Its always going to put this pull to push situation.
But i know no matter how much i want to just escape this pain or
withdrawel or this just wanting of you. But when i do get you,
it just comsumes me. All my feelings for you just explode.
I still have this quench in my stomach that you dont feel the same
but im still just hoping that it isnt like that and that you do love me
as much as i love you. Im uncertain but certain of what i want.

^^^ That just says it all. Amen, photo!

We never promised. Just hoped.

Would you be there if i went insane, destroyed everything near
me, i went completly off the rails?
Would you help me back to sanity, fixed everything i broke
and helped me back on tracks and company?
Would you love me and not leave me all alone?

Keep Strong.

Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe
Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe

boom.

Love me! Is it that freaking hard. Am i that awefull!?
You make me feel like im not good enough!
And i dont know what i can do, im probably not good enough.
Fuck. This. So. Much.

My Wise Words.

Lifes happiness comes from sacrifice.
Its a true concept that i have relized.
I feel like laying under the night sky,
just taking in the lit up sky,
It always makes me calm, i dont know why.
But its cold out there. i Hate being cold.

Please, Im Sick Of Getting Punched In The Gut.

Okay, so i dont actually have the will power to stop complaining.
Well maybe not complaining as such just directing all my bad thoughts
and energy somewhere. And when i decided to give up blogging,
i have no where else to go. There is alot i cant tell friends, deff cannot
tell family or facebook. So here is the only place.

Im going to put my link on facebook, like Jackie did, Cause shes pre fly.
So hello to anyone who is just tunning into my stupid state of mind.
Hope your all doing alot better then i ever did.

Well, to get started. I think im losing something that i made my world.
And im having nightmares about it, i freak out when i think of it.
Im so open to blows and getting knocked down.. This isnt me.
I was always on my guard about this because ive seen so many people
hurt from the same situation, i grew up with it. I relied on myself. But now
i dont. But now i cant have you either and i dont know what to do , with
anything. I have a gut feeling that this isnt going to end and it would have
the other day. But it really does kill me. I cant have you leave. as pathetic
and childish as that sounds. I shouldnt have made you this important and thats
where i made my fault, i let down my walls and i can put them back up to
protect me.
I know i will end up hiking to Jackies place, sobbing while eating a tub of
icecream sing "all by my seeelllff"

I also mention this other certain someone, first time i have said her name out
loud like she was a part of my life. It made me stop, and just become numb.

I have no idea what im doing. Im good at shutting things and people out,
like they dont exsist or like we have never had a past nor have a future.
I cant help putting on this mask i have created so well. I can even fool
myself. Even at the thoughts of destruction in laughing like nothing has
ever been wrong in my life.

The more i think about it, the more i have nothing, the more i see the holes
i want to be filled.

I consider myself a good person. I love people, i would put them before me always.
I think i do good things or something. But im not bad.. Atleast i thought i wasnt..
But if i was good, wouldnt i have good karma? I would get the good things.
The things i yern to have. Not all this pain and hurt. All this stress and confusion.
So maybe i am a bad person. Maybe i dont deserve a normal family were my mum
isnt mental, where my dad is happy and pleased of where his life got him, maybe
my sister would be able to connect with other people, maybe i wouldnt be so
fucked up or have someone to just love me so unconditionally that we knew each
other inside and out, knew what made us happy or cry, wanted to make each other
happy at any cost.
I know its selfish! And maybe thats why i have bad fortune.. but why cant i have someone
that will just care about me and want to help and just care.. i would do the same for them
so they dont have to deal with themselves and me..

I thought about death, my death for the first time. And i wasnt scared.

These next few weeks should be the best of my year! My mums gone and i an get up to
whatever the hell i want! but instead for my first weekend, i sat on the couch, slept,
watch dbz, cryed, felt sorry for myself, ate then cryed some more. Sad thing is, that
i still just want to spend all this time with you, but im holding you back from so much.
You would be better off with out me, most people would be.

This isnt me.

I think im going to stop blogging.
i complain about the same things over and over.
I feel whiney and gay.
So i think.. i will stop.
And pwn my demons another way.

Present a Present.

Insanity. I know now that i have lost all control of everything.
I need to gain some sort of stability. But its so hard when
have of me just wants to quit everything and just stop.
I feel stupid just knowing im just another stupid, messed up
teenager. I hate feeling like no one understands me, yet i
know that alot of people would. But no one can help.
Insanity. I kind of want to turn to drugs or alcohol or something.
something extreme and crazy. Just probably for attention as
i have been told that i am doing lately. That im going things
for attention. I probably am but what do they all know.What does anyone know about me?
I could have been lying to everyone for my whole life.
Only i know me. control. I lack control. I admit that.
But i want to lose all control so badly while being so lost.

Im currently sitting, listening to music, waiting.
Im all dressed up for this yr 12 formal.
Im pretty proud that i got invited, but so nervous.
I have i feeling i wont be wanted there and i
dont want to be crashing it but i think i will
have a really good night!
i feel pretty good about how i look right now.
Everyone will look so stunning! im excited now.

I guess tonight told me kinda that she was going on holidays
next week for maybe a month. She never really tells me any
thing straight up but that is what i got from it.
This means, i get to spend time with my daddy, get freedom
on weekends, not have to be stressed out all the time.
Its going to be so good, i really am so excited!
I have so many plans and ideas going through my head.
I want to have amazing sleep overs with my girlfriends and
party down with them! I want to go to Woywoy and stay with
cloudstick! I want to have sleep overs with my boo and get to
wake up next to him. I just want to do whatever i feel like doing.

I want to spend all my time with you these days, i want you to be
that guy that never wants to leave his girlfriend and will talk to his
friends about her and when he plans things automatically puts me
in the picture. You might do these things, i have just dont know or
havent noticed. Maybe i havent shown you that i want this, that i do
want all your attention, all the time, i really dont want to share you.
As stupid as it is, when you tell me your going to hang out with another
girl, all i want to do is to stop it from happening. That would be unfair
though i have guy friends so you should have girl friends.
I never want to force you to spend time with me, so i never really ask,
i dont want to appear clingy or obsessed.
I really hope though when i get the chance to stay with you, it will happen.
I want to go out to dinner with you and movie and dinner with your family
and drag you shopping and just all that stupid stuff!
It will all happen in time. Maybe when you reply to all my messages, and
quicker. It does make a differance guys.

Ive decided i want to go back to how i looked at my deb.

"Seeing Everyone's True Face Makes Me Wish They Would Keep Their Masks On."

I love costumes! like adore them to the point where
it could be addictive! I really want to create a collection!
But they are so expensive. Maybe if i buy one every so
often i an slowly but surely get a good one going!

Fixed Feelings Forming Foundations.

I feel like i cant be sad because someone else is.
I feel like i cant think im fat because someone else thinks it.
I feel like i cant want to be thinner because everyone wants it.
I feel like i cant have the perfect relationship because its so cliche'.
I feel like i cant believe that i have a horrible home life because everyone has issues at home.
I feel like i cant have problem because people expect me not to.
I feel like i cant have alot that i want because thats life.
I feel like i have to keep being immune to life and being some sort of puppet.

Your Love Is My Movement.

You make me feel perfect!
The way you went through and told me what you
love about me then to how much you love me.
Im finally confident and stupid and louder around you.
Ahh it just makes me so happy inside and out!
I love you Logan Thomas Knox.
And if your right and that you do love me more
then what i love you. Then, shit. Thats alot.

Ps. i love mulan.

Be My Heart Beat.

Ive been in bed since about 6pm and it is now 11.
I layed here reading a book for what must have been
around four hours, maybe explains why i have finished it.
Even through reading all i could think about was you.
I wish you were here with me just to talk to and cuddle.
I feel so good and safe with you as i have said many times.
I miss you way more then i should and i wish i could just
have you all to myself, that it could just be me and you.
Going and seeing my sisters place yesterday and seeing
that she will be able to live how she likes with the person she
love. It just kept making me think and that maybe in a year this
can be me and you. As hopeful as that is, i probably wont have
the money. But its a good thought.
I was always so cynical of my sister and her boyfriend, that they
spent to much time together and didnt care for anything else.
But i now understand it. Nothing makes me happier then being
with you. I really wish you could be with me now just with your
arms around me, i know im okay and safe then, nothing could
harm me.
I always told my dad, nothing will ever keep me in this town,
ill get out of here as soon as i can and start new.
But that was until i met you.
I want to talk to you right now, tell you everything im
feeling because i feel your someone who actually really cares.
Maybe i will tell you tomorrow if you come over.
I miss you so much and so excited to see you!
I wonder if your thinking about me...

Bones Are The New Black.

Why am i not able to control how much i eat anymore?!

i always say im hungry but when really im not
I just eat anyway and i hate it! i hate it so much!
Maybe its my way of dealing with everything, just
getting my mind off it, so i eat.
it doesnt make things better. I was so good at being
healthy i ate all the right things. Now its near impossible.

I just wish i had control on it. I cant even control the intake
of food anymore, it makes me feel so destroyed.
Looking in the mirror is getting more painful, getting
up for school knowing ill be surrounded by my friends that
are perfect and thin and happy and beauitful.
It makes me not want to get up anymore, i dont feel like
seeing or talking to people.
It makes me question what my boyfriend sees in me and i
feel disgusted of what he does see.

i love food and social like surrounds it. But i need to take control
i need to stop. i need to stop eating so much.
And not to mention that mainly what i eat is crap.
The girls i know and see do not know how lucky they are.

Im not beautiful, and no matter how many people tell me, it is my
truth. I have the biggest gut, massive thighs, broad shoulders, big hips,
fat face. i just want to be happy with myself. And be a girl that maybe
other girls may envy for my looks. I want to be able to feel my hip bones
or feel where my ribs may be, not just fat. I dont want to have love handles
that i can grab handfuls of.
Marilyn monroe was size 16 and is still a massive beauty icon. I dont see
how she did it. But she is amazing.
I just want to be skinny... Thats it plain and simple. Im sick of getting so
depressed on being envious of everyone. I want to distant myself from friends,
i just want to be away from people. I know that cant happen though, and deep down
i know i dont really want it. as confusing as that is.
It doesnt help when i have to take the burden of many other people.
I dont know how to help them, so i distant from them aswell.
I cant help them if i cant help myself.

Revenge Better Be Sweeter.

Im so worn out of being so jealous of everyone.
Yet, Its only getting worse.
Why can I not just take steps forward, not back
or just stay in the same place.

Fear Inside The Mind.

Today i had gone to the movies with someone special.
We watched a movie i have been looking forward to watching
and from what im going to believe we both were so scared!
Paranormal activity two i have to say, it a freaking amazing
movie. I really loved it! I was so scared but so impressed.
I then got home and jumped and half died everytime i
heard a noise. I was freaking out in the shower even!
Now im in bed, probably never going to be able to
relax enough to fall asleep!
Right now, well all the time actually, i would love to just
curl into bed beside you, feel your warmth and comfort.
I would really love that, I dont think i can last a whole
week without seeing you! I love everything is right now.
Well most things. And those things make me happy.

Infatuation.

Being out in the sun with someone you love.
Just shopping around, being each others company.
Then heading home as the weather starts getting
overcast, getting home and just laying in bed with them.
Just as the rain starts to fall on the roof we are already
so close and falling asleep.
When you woke up, kissed me to make sure i was awake
and said "i love you Rosie, i could wake up like this every morning"
Put the biggest smile on my face, i couldn't agree more.
I look forward to the days i get to fall to sleep in your arms and
waking up to you, even at whatever crazy time your awake.
Today you ressured me, many times, of how much you loved me.
Im starting to feel so comfortable around you which is such a big step.
I love you more then i could ever express and i know
that you love me just as much, for just being me. Its such a beautiful thing.
We are such a beautiful thing. I hope i spend so much of my life with
you, share so much of my life with you. I have faith that we will.
I still kick myself over how i almost gave this all away but it did
make me relise just how much apart of me you are.
I think in a way it was a good out of a bad because we have become so much
stronger and closer. We are just so much involved with each other.
I never want to leave you, ever. Or have you leave me.

I think the last few days i have been the happiest i have been in a while.
Im sorting things out, making plans, organising.
Im feeling better. I still have a long way to go, but its a start.
I also an waiting for my new book to come into the book store.
Certain someone's thinks its stupid and weird that i have suddenly
found a love for books, but its as an escape, i get so interested.
The stress and panic of year 12 is kicking in a little.
Its going to be long and hard. I will get there though.
Im wanting to change, get better habits. Its the start but an importantone.
To now be going good with him. Being open and honest has never been
so rewarding. Im surrounding and putting alot of my life in your hands
since your the one thing that can always make me happy, make me
feel amazing. Im getting more comfortable with you.
Its taken such a long, long time for me to get to this point.
Well for us to get to this point really. And its going to be a great
long time together.
I blooody miss using my camera though, i do say that.
i need it so bad. Im also going to dye and cut my hair soon.

Just care. Have heart.

Why cant i be as pretty as her, as thin as her, as smart as her?
Why cant i be as witty, as funny, as confident as her?
Why cant i actually talk about things but can easily blog about it?
Why would i rather talk about you and never talk about me?
Why cant i feel and react to things?
Why cant i just do things right!
I suck at school, I wreck everything, I always hope to be better.
But it never happens. Nothing is good enough.
Its insane i know it.
Atm i feel as lost as i ever have, i feel terrible.
I have no idea what to do. Or have any idea of what im doing.
I dont know how to explain it to make it make sense.
I just dont even feel like im here half the time.
Now i just, i dont know. I wish i could just dissappear for a while.
Get some isolation to actually maybe sort my shit out!
But there i go again, wishing, hoping.
Nothings going to work.

We Like To Party. We Like, We Like To Party.

The messed up mind and glazed eyes.
The ability not to say what you feel.
The feeling to be moving. To be doing what
makes you happy. Even if there are tears,
the night still explodes. This feeling of not
caring can become addictive.
Even through the next morning headaches
and the random bruises and cuts we have.
I know we would all get up and do it all over
again. And i love that.

Lust vs Love

I take the easy path. The one that would create less hurt and motion.
Im still unsure if it was the best one for myself.
I cant hurt him. I cant lose him. Yet i want someone else.
I cant have it both ways, there is no way it could work.
I always knew i would lose one to some extent.
Atleast this way they can still both be in my life.
I know ill alays think of him, want him to be more, hope
that in the future maybe we can be something.
Im myself around him, i laugh, im silly, im loud, i play.
But then with him im mute, im not loud, not silly.
I could lay there, on your chest and hold your hand
and just talk, about everything. We can westle and laugh
and just have fun. You make me feel special, you make me happy.
Its all seems wrong.
Maybe we will actually get better this time.
I said i will try and be honest and i hope to keep to my word.
This is all just on chance and my hope for it to all work out.
You will be with someone else soon, it will hurt.
But you will be happy and its what you deserve.

We're The Two Best Friends That Anyone Could Have.

For whenever I am down, you pick me up.
Whenever I am up, you keep me there.
Your so close to my heart right now.
You bring the best out of me like no one else can.
You are always just you, your never lead by something.
Your passionate and silly.
This week of not seeing you is so strange to me.
You keep me level headed and just happy.
With someone like you i dont think anyone around you
would ever not be weeing themself a little with laughter.
We have been in each others life one way or another
since kindy. Your long ass hair and freckles and my
boy, bowl hair cut. To now, just going into our last year
of school. You are the most beautiful girl i know.
Thankyou so much Darling. <3

Hair.

This is my dream hair!
I have actually dreamt of it.
All baby type colours with no sign of my black hair.
I wish i could have this.
Yet i would be kicked out of school. ):

My Heart Beat.

When that bass drop hits your chest and moves through your
whole body. You know you alive, your feeling the music
move through you and bring you to life.
The feeling when your amongst hundreds of moving bodies.
No one knows you, you don't know them. Yet you both
share the same love for why your there.
The bruises, hits, shoves or the amount of your own and other
peoples sweat drencing your clothes doesn't even register.
You feel immortal.
Its not until i got a full view from higher up that i saw
how amazing concerts were, watching the hundreds of other
people move as one, to the same beat.
It was probably the most breath-taking thing I have ever seen.