Alone. Ive never had any help, ive never talked to anyone
about it, no one has known. Because i chose to be stronger,
I chose to over come it by myself and no one really cared.
Family and friends saw the marks and scars from what i was
doing to myself but never did anything about it, never asked if
i was okay or needed help. But i dont need help because im just
me and im dealing with it all just fine.
I dont even remember how young i was when my dad left, not by
choice. But he wasnt there, i was young, he was my favourite.
i didnt have him anymore, i was to young to understand.
I was to young to hear what my mum would say about him.
Then my sister grew up, and even she left me.
The one person that understood and loved me, left.
I had no one, no one cared, no one was there and i was left alone
Ive grown up around fighting, yelling. Hatred.
For as long as i can remember, my parents always fought.
They would throw things at each other, smash things, mum would
try and physically abuse dad. Then i would see the after math.
How broken hearted they both were. How everything in the house
was everywhere. And more times or not the cops would be around,
I use to have this nightmare of my parents fighting in the kitchen of the
very first house we ever lived in. They were argueing and food was going
all over the place and things being broken and i would see it all from a very
young me's eyes. But then i told my sister about it and i was really just re-seeing
something that actually happen. Seeing a fight that i had completly forgot about
that then haunted me for years.
Even when its really quiet, in my head all i can hear is yelling. Im insane.
I hate my mum. Shes destroyed me. Every single bit of me.
Torn from me everything i have ever loved. But still ill have sypathy for her.
She pushed away my dad, made my sister leave and now is trying to take me
from my friends. Shes what causes me to feel so low and useless.
When im not around her im fine, i feel good and normal.
But as soon as i see her it comes back. I feel like dieing.
I asked her for help once, and more times after that. She was the only person
i asked to help me. And she didnt. She couldnt have one of her daughters
being an embarrassment. Yet im still the dissappointment.
Even now she makes me feel like i have nothing to live for.
I have a condition, that is aparently due to trauma. I mentally block/forget things.
I forget the people that have hurt me or left me. I block out emotions.
Its to defensive thing. I block out what could danger me.
but its getting worse and out of control. I dont remember things i did a week ago.
I go uttly and completely numb, that not even cutting into my arm makes me feel.
I hate it. I hate feeling so out of control.
I first starting cuttting when i was in year seven. In places everyone could see.
No one helped.
My first attempt of suicide was in year 8. I cut and took over the useage dose of painkillers.
No one noticed.
My first thought of wanting to be dead was before highschool. I use to right it on boxes.
No one was there.
I hate myself. I have never been able to look in the mirror and like what i see.
I believe no one can ever love me. i pray to god that one day ill wake up and
be anyone but myself. Because if the people i need the most walk away from me
then it must be me.
When my parents split i didnt even get the " its not your fault, we just cant be with eachother"
and even if i did get it, it has to be. Once upon a time my parents were happy together
then i came alone and now everyones life is fucked.
My 77 year old dad wishes he had my mum around to grow old with, i see how broken
his heart is. I see how much he cares, i see how lonely he is. I see how much he wishes
he had the money and he had the power to change how things worked out.
My insane mother thinks up crazy stories in her mind and fully believes them like they
are reality and tears people apart thinking there is nothing wrong with what she does.
I wish i could do something, i wish i could have done something before
But now im just no where. I cant change the way my mum thinks, i cant help
that to help my dad. I cant make money so everyone is happy.
The only time im ever happy is with my friends. I dont know if that is the real
me but i like that person i become. im smiley and funny and just happy.
But then i come back here again. I turn into the bitter girl that bites at whatever
people say. That goes through boxes of tissues crying while making blogs.
Always wanting to make scars but to scared of people seeing them. Just
wanting an escape. But knowing that if even one came i couldnt take it.
This cant even discribe of what i feel or what ive put myself through.
I dont want people to read this. I dont want people to pity me.
I just needed to write this out for myself, to try and remember.
To release. Then to act like the things in my life have never happened.
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