Okay, so i dont actually have the will power to stop complaining.
Well maybe not complaining as such just directing all my bad thoughts
and energy somewhere. And when i decided to give up blogging,
i have no where else to go. There is alot i cant tell friends, deff cannot
tell family or facebook. So here is the only place.
Im going to put my link on facebook, like Jackie did, Cause shes pre fly.
So hello to anyone who is just tunning into my stupid state of mind.
Hope your all doing alot better then i ever did.
Well, to get started. I think im losing something that i made my world.
And im having nightmares about it, i freak out when i think of it.
Im so open to blows and getting knocked down.. This isnt me.
I was always on my guard about this because ive seen so many people
hurt from the same situation, i grew up with it. I relied on myself. But now
i dont. But now i cant have you either and i dont know what to do , with
anything. I have a gut feeling that this isnt going to end and it would have
the other day. But it really does kill me. I cant have you leave. as pathetic
and childish as that sounds. I shouldnt have made you this important and thats
where i made my fault, i let down my walls and i can put them back up to
protect me.
I know i will end up hiking to Jackies place, sobbing while eating a tub of
icecream sing "all by my seeelllff"
I also mention this other certain someone, first time i have said her name out
loud like she was a part of my life. It made me stop, and just become numb.
I have no idea what im doing. Im good at shutting things and people out,
like they dont exsist or like we have never had a past nor have a future.
I cant help putting on this mask i have created so well. I can even fool
myself. Even at the thoughts of destruction in laughing like nothing has
ever been wrong in my life.
The more i think about it, the more i have nothing, the more i see the holes
i want to be filled.
I consider myself a good person. I love people, i would put them before me always.
I think i do good things or something. But im not bad.. Atleast i thought i wasnt..
But if i was good, wouldnt i have good karma? I would get the good things.
The things i yern to have. Not all this pain and hurt. All this stress and confusion.
So maybe i am a bad person. Maybe i dont deserve a normal family were my mum
isnt mental, where my dad is happy and pleased of where his life got him, maybe
my sister would be able to connect with other people, maybe i wouldnt be so
fucked up or have someone to just love me so unconditionally that we knew each
other inside and out, knew what made us happy or cry, wanted to make each other
happy at any cost.
I know its selfish! And maybe thats why i have bad fortune.. but why cant i have someone
that will just care about me and want to help and just care.. i would do the same for them
so they dont have to deal with themselves and me..
I thought about death, my death for the first time. And i wasnt scared.
These next few weeks should be the best of my year! My mums gone and i an get up to
whatever the hell i want! but instead for my first weekend, i sat on the couch, slept,
watch dbz, cryed, felt sorry for myself, ate then cryed some more. Sad thing is, that
i still just want to spend all this time with you, but im holding you back from so much.
You would be better off with out me, most people would be.
This isnt me.
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