I really really love him.
I may never be perfect and do some stupid things.
But ill always want you and come back to you.
Because i do, i love you.

pewpewpewpew. You did make it all okay for a while

We complain when we are in relationships, we complain when we are single.
We complain when we are broke, we complain when we have to much money.
We complain when we are to busy, we complain when we are alone.
We complain when we have someone who loves us to much, We complain when they dont love us enough.
We complain when time goes to quick, we complain when time goes to slow.
We complain about being to old, we complain about being to young.
And the list can go on.
Can anyone ever be just so completely happy with there life or does something always have to be wrong?

Im just like the rest of you. Our own hero.

Some things in my life are just getting better some are getting worse.
I wish i could just go away for a while, be by meself, sort my head out.
But now im out of time and the stress of my final year of school is setting in.
The pressure off my mum to be someone she can be proud of now will go
into the highest faze. She wants me to go to uni and i dont think i do.
I cant be a doctor or accountant that she wants me to be because i just
dont want to do that with my life. Shes dissapointed in my life so far and
will disappointed with my future.
I want to be in the media business, something she thinks is stupid.
I want to look interesting, i want tattoos, i want to be a little bit wild.
Things you do not agree with.
Im so tired of trying to live up to peoples expectations.
Im sick of trying to live up to my own even.
I wont stop doing it because i want to be the best me i can be.
But im exhausted. Im worn out and right now my energy is so low i dont want to get up.
I love being around people but people make me feel worse at the end of the day.
Then as much as love people i feel alone and i dont want to be.
I miss sanity, i miss you.

Are you the reason i cry or breathe?

Today i wondered, what if your the guy i will marry?
It was surreal but i didnt have a problem with it.
The more i think about it and get more obsessed with
sex and the city i get, i see how much your like Mr Bigg.
We have been amazing lately and i dont want to jynx that.
But it is making me so happy. When we are good everything
is great. Today just proved to me more how i love you.
I love how you could be around my friends. so much.
I love how once again you have that look in your eyes when
you look at me because it was gone for abit.
i love how we have such want for each other right now.
I want to be with you all the time again and im giving things up
to have that.
My favourite thing still is when we are in your bed watching something.
We often end up just laying and falling asleep.
Even in the extreme heat, it was the best place to be.
That feeling then i was watching the show and turned to you and you
were looking at me oddly made me feel so good. Like i was the only
thing that mattered to you. And to me you are one of the things that
really matter because you wont leave even when your not here.
There have been a few other guys and probably are some to come
but i know none will love me like you love me, none of them will
care about me like you do, none of them would commit like you have.
Its crazy but its real. Its serious. We arnt just some highschool love.
Which would be weird because you dont school and all anymore.
I always kind of forget im dating an older guy.
I was thinking that even though we are serious now, when i finish
school it would get even more serious. Its exciting.
I was also wandering if i would ever be single again?
Realisticly, ofcourse i would be but what if this is it.
Guess the future can only tell what will happen in the then future.

I also cannot wait for the freedom of being 18.

Your so innocent, its cute.

"You know, since you love me, for valentines day will you buy me a massive teddy and flowers?"
"Yeaah, i guess so."
": D"
"But since you love me.. will you buy me a ps3?"
" aha awh if you lucky "
Levi made me feel pretty special. I love babysitting him.
Why cant love be as simple as i thought it was when i was young.

Thoughts rape thoughts and multiply

I thought i shook this habit but now its back.
Im also obsessed with blogging and thought i should
express it through a blog. Uh huh.

I love a full moon.

Im grabbing one thing and trying to hold onto it so hard.
But im loosing other things.
I dont know if im upset about it or what.
Its just happening.
Every one is all about control.
Why not just let things happen, let things run there course.
Live. Thats what i want to do. I dont want to die without living.

In a little off 8 months ill be 18.
Everything my parents have ever told me not to do ill have the
freedom of doing no matter how much they dont like it.
i want tattoos. i want a to move out and in with friends. i want
to have sleepovers. i want to stay up all night with people i love.
i want to be my own person.
im so nervous but excited for that beginning of that part of my life.
gah im not ready but i will be!
Honestly im just sick of my mum. Really want to get away from her.
Even now its time for a new start. Or a kind of recycle.
Relise what i have and relise how lucky i am.
Relise i need to be a better person.
Relise i should take people into considteration more.
Positivity. No more bad vibes. Just good.

Epiphany

I dreamt of you, it was perfect. But then again i also had a dream that i dyed my hair and hated it.
So the importance of my dreams can be small.
This is the last week of holidays and i should live it up and be with friends
But honestly i think i need some me time. Just to clear my head before school.
I know ill end up just wanting to be with people though.
Ive relised alot even through the last few days. Things are looking up.
I cant wait to see one of my dear friends again, i have missed him for some odd reason.
I miss alot of my friends i havent seen these holidays.

I need to stop doing this.

I knew i would hear that one day, so im not suprised, a little hurt.
But you know, i did this to myself.
This only gives me more reason to keep trying in this relationship
i have. Yup.
well, fuck.

LTK 4 RJT

It is always going to be me and you baby.
I have made myself relize it today again for the 100th time.
I love you and you love me.
I had you breakfast and you liked them, made me feel so good.
We talked while we ate.
We then headed to yours and layed in bed watching a show i
hadnt watched in years.
We could have done anything but in all honesty all i did want
to do was to be with you in your bed, how we were a year ago.
We didnt sleep together, we were just with each other.
You reassured me that we would have more anniversaries.
There are other guys. Other guys i sometimes with i could be with.
But then when it comes down to it, I dont  think they would
stay with me as long as you have and have a relationship like us.
We dont have the best, but we can still love each other.
People will never understand us but they dont have to, we just have to.
Its been so hard, and we can be distant but it will  get better.
Maybe not soon but one day.
Because it is me and you. Your my man. Your my love.

My heart will stay, sometimes stray.

Its offically been a year for us being together.
Its been up and down, but isnt that just life.
Im sitting here and have been all day just reflected on the year.
Before we even started dating we had a "thing".
We never reall had a friendship.
On the first day of meeting you we kissed. I grew to have
feelings for you but then a few things i couldnt take and
broke off from you for about two months.
You did ask me to your formal, and god did i want to go but
it wasnt to be due to a school play that was on the same night.
That only really made our distance greater.
Then something happened after my own formal. I could deny
the feelings i had for you but i promised myself that i wouldnt
get involved, i would just have you there.
This pretty much failed but we got closer and closer.
I remember that one time we said goodbye but then you ran after
me just to say goodbye again, i could have sworn you were going to
ask me out then and there but got nervous.
Just as we were so close and knew we wanted each other,
i left the state for a month.
We had that perfect leaving moment where you told me you
would wait for me. remember that moment is bringing tears
to my eyes.
I messaged you everyday while i was away, it was like you were
right there.
This time last year everything was perfect.
I remember the messages telling me that we are practically together
and you saying that we should just make it offical.
But i wanted to wait until i was with you again, face to face.
I remember that day, wednesday i think, a week before you got back.
And you were having her over. I had my worries but i trusted you enough.
I messaged you to have fun and you said " i love you hun"
Its been so long since you have called me that..
Then i remember you messaging me that it was awkward so on so on but
i felt rude messaging you while you had company so i let you go.
Then i messaged you around 4 that afternoon asking if you had a good day
but you aparently had not so i asked what was wrong.
You told me then that you had kissed her and other stuff..
You also told her about us and how much you loved me, aparently.
At this time i was with a girl i miss with all my heart, in a clothes shop so i
couldnt just break down and cry but when you told me it pretty much tore
me apart, you said sorry and i can barely remember all those long msgs.
I rememeber having to act like i was fine and just smile. I kept going to
the bathroom and just crying. I didnt sleep til 5 that morning then woke up
at 7 with messages for you.
Remember that day still hurts.
Although that happened, i tried not to go back to feeling like that towards you
so we would just have smalll talk. Then a few days before i got home you told me
you still couldnt wait to see me and nothing had changed for you.
And ofcourse i feel for it so a few days after i got home, i saw you, and that was
today, last year. The 22nd of January.
We were great from what i remember. I would come see you every weekend
and we woiuld chill, walk around, lay in bed most of the time and watch things.
Your bed is probably where we are at our best. Its just you and me, nothing else
in the world matters. We can just be each other and love.
I remember going to Blessthefall with you. Spent the whole time with you, it was
great. Normally i would be in the mosh but i stuck by you and was held by you."
I only remembered this night again tonight, it made me smile.
Now the bad is coming into my head. Ignoring me around your friends, ignoring
your friends, ignoring my friends. Not being my deb partner, not going to my deb.
Not going to my birthday dinner. Telling me im self centered and dont invite you
anywhere. Being rude at times to my family.
But then i just think of when you have told me you loved me, when you would
tell me how much you loved how i looked, how we would fall asleep in the afternoon.
You would blow in my face just to see my reaction and we would both giggle,
how you know i freak out when people touch my nose, how i know exactly where
you are ticklish and how you try and tickle back and its cute.
I love how you play guitar to me, showing me all your advances in things your making.
And it all brings me to today. I dont really know where i stand on it.
I have no doubt that i love you. Because i do, so much.
I can doubt how much you love me.
I dont really remember the last time you complimented me, called me a cute name,
looked into my eyes and told me you loved me.
Maybe it gets to the point in the relationship when they should be things i know
but i havent been here before so i dont know.
Im nervous about today, making you breakfast, maybe you wont even like it.
then what will we do the rest of the day.
It will work out i think, kinda like how we always do.
I cried through writing this whole thing and i dont know why.
Bottom line is. Somehow, through everything, its still me and you and we are still
working it out, we will work it out eventually.
I love you and you love me, in our weird way, forever and always.

Chocolate makes everything better

The best tasting chocolate in the world!

You made it all better for a bit.

I cant believe i thought you would actually be different from all the other guys.
To think you might care about me after the novelty of being new wore off.
I fucking hate how i center my life with guys. But its all i want.
All i want is a guy that would love me and want to be with me and love me.
I want all that stupid corny shit.
I dont want to be with a guy for a week then break up and move on.
I hate myself for thinking like this, it shouldnt be all about a boy.
But people dont understand how scared i actually am to be alone.
Its why im with a guy that makes me cry more then smile, a guy most of
my friends dont think is good enough, one that probably hates spending time
with me. But at the end of the day he is still with me. He is still a guy that has
layed in bed with me with his arms around me, made me feel good at some point,
saw me cry even if it was because of him.
At the same time its why i flirt, as bad as it looks with me having a boyfriend, im
still looking for someone. If he doesnt want to be it then i want to find who does.
It makes no sense to people. I cant leave him. I cant be alone, I dont want to
leave him with no one. Fuck everything. Im going to sleep forever.

From Head to Toe. Minus the soul, i sold it do the devil.

Person#1 : Im glad to have you in my life. Your giving me the day to day strength and happiness i could ever want. Im here for anything, anytime, anywhere. Your strong and inspire me so much.

Person#2 : People dont treat you how you should be treated and make assumptions about you. Your always so pleasant to be around. Your not fake.

Person#3: I envy you and everything you have. Its perfect but you dont appreciate it. I hate you but love you.

Person#4: At the moment im worried about you. Your not the same as you were or maybe we are both different but i am worried about it all. I will fix it all though and it will go one way or the other when i will try but its the risk im going to take.

Person#5: Im always going to be so attracted to you but recently i have relised that it is a rewarding thing and that our friendship will only get stronger even after things we have done to each other. You still make me happy, you still make everything better, you still give the best hugs.

Person#6: I was ready to give up the one thing i had for you. You gave me away. I miss you though. I miss being with you all the time and just mucking around but even after falling out we are still here for each other. I think how close we were has only made us more comfortable around each other. I want you to be around more again but i dont know how to get it to happen.

Person#7: I love you. In my heart. In my head i wish you would just not be in my life. We have been through so much but yet barely been there together for any of it. I think im in denial and trying to convince myself that it is okay and its normal. For a year i have just wanted you to want me. I have you and you have me. But i think its because you think you have no one else.

Person#8: I've grown to like you so much. To much. Now its all over but it was good while it lasted. I dont know what happened but now i feel like i cant even talk to you even though your the only person i want to talk to. I want to spend my time with you but i do give up. I dont need another guy not wanting me. Then i just remember all the nights and the days and the talks. Maybe its just in my head. I still want you.

Person#9: All of a sudden your in my life alot more then you ever have been then you have. The night we stayed up til the sun was coming up because we were just talking and your amazing back tickles and randomly waking up cuddling you but it feeling normal and just going back to sleep. Im starting to value your friendship and hope it gets stronger.

Person#10: My brother. You have always been there for me when i needed someone the most you were there and im so sorry i cant help you now i wish i could i wish i could take your pain away but i dont know how and it hurts.

Person#11: You care for me more then anyone i know. You love me more then any guy has ever. You never fail to tell me how beautiful how i am and how i dont need to change. You never let a day go by without me feeling love. You would do anything for me. Im so sorry i cant make you happy though. But i do need you so much.

Person#12: No matter how many people knock you down you shake it off. No matter how many people have made you feel not good enough your still standing high. Your a leader, a leader i follow. You being in my life, like a rock, makes me feel stable.

Person#13: You were everything in my life at one stage. then it just ended. Now your not in my life but im thankful because you did give me the motivation i needed to get to where i am now. You are like a stranger to me, i dont care if your there, i dont want to know you now. Maybe one day we will talk but not now.

Person#14: We were such good friends, we went through alot together, we were there for each other. I have scars that remind me of you all the time. Now your to far gone. You scare me a little but ill always have such a soft spot for you because when we are together i still see the you i love.

Person#15: You always make me and everyone around you laugh. Your beautiful and i love being around you. I dont think there is a flaw in you. Not one i see.

Person#16: You were my everything. My other half. My boyfriend that was a girl. You gave me so much strength you saw it at my worst. You cried with me. I have pushed you away so far its like we never have that connection. I miss you. I miss you being the only thing i ever needed.

The people in my life might not relize the impact they have on me. They are all i have now. Even though i feel so lonely, writing this has only made me think about them all more and love them more or put them in the past. I need them. Im nothing at all without them.

Because we are the two best friends that anyone could have.

I miss my other half. I miss our lame joke. I miss how keen we would get. I miss how you would never fail to make me the happiest person alive. I miss it being us. I miss being able to never keep somehting from you. I miss being at school with you because holidays have done no good for us. I miss trying to scare you. I miss doing shit with you. I miss just spending time with you. I miss being comfortable with you. I miss being called your bestie. I miss your positive atmosphere. I miss your smile. I miss your hugs.
I miss you. And im sorry. iloveyou.

I think you saw me confronting my fear.

 

Im sorry im not a great person.
Im sorry i dont make you smile.
Im sorry you seem like you cant talk to me.
Im sorry im self centred.
Im sorry i am a shit girlfriend.
Im sorry im not a good friend.
Im sorry i can't be there for you.
Im sorry im a failure as a daughter.
Im sorry im a dissappointment.
Im sorry that i dont know anything about your life.
Im sorry im not the girl of your dreams.
Im sorry i make you feel like shit.
Im sorry i hurt you.
Im sorry i have feelings.
Im sorry i want independance.
Im sorry i cant help you.
Im sorry im not purely Australian.
Im sorry im not the perfect weight.Im sorry i cant act the same around you like i did.
Im sorry i kissed you.
Im sorry i cant have the tolerance.
Im sorry i cant be good to look at.
Im sorry i dont have any motivation.
Im sorry i dont have control.
Im sorry that i just want to be with you.
Im sorry i want to drink just to forget.
Im sorry about my past.
Im sorry for all the fake shit everyone believes.
Im sorry i just want someone to just love me.
Im sorry i have never been on a date.
Im sorry i always want you to stay.
Im sorry i dont invite you places.
Im sorry i care to much.
Im sorry i have a conscience.
Im sorry i love being with you.
Im sorry i stick up for people.
Im sorry i dont have courage.
Im sorry im "off the rails"
Im sorry i dont have everything you have but somehow manage not to whinge as much as you.
Im sorry i rather deal with my problems by myself then sharing them with everyone.
Im sorry i dont trust you.

Basicly im sorry for being a fucked up, selfish human being.
I hate most of you. yup.

I cannot believe you spat on me.
Okay yes, i get you were really angry and drunk.
But to do that is so offensive and disrespectful.
I really do think so low of you and if you have a
problem with me then that is your own.
I did nothing wrong, i dont regret doing what i did.
Its not all about you. Maybe you should care.
You can say what you want and call me whatever
you feel like you need to, to make yourself feel
better. I had my reasons, i love her, your stupid to
loss having her that close. Your a prick.

A Night Only Remembered By Memories.

Last night was insane. At one point i just felt so fucking amazing!
Sadly someone did kill the buzz and he got it pretty bad. jerk.
But apart from that, the night just went off.
Drinking, illen and dancing. I was so high and around the best
company.
I just wanted to drink everything away and have no feelings.
I wanted to forget about everything outside of reubans house.
And i did, even if some of my worry's was there, i just didnt
care. I enjoyed being known by people i rarely see.
Hit bed pretty early but at the best time. Was then dead to the
world then to wake up if someones arms wrapped around me
and the most important girl/person next to me.
Lithgow high kids are crazy with getting up early.
I had my first hang over. It was the worst. ever.

You came last night and one of the things that my friend told
me when they saw me was that you were there.
Why is it important to me. Your nothing to me and have been
for a long time. Every room i was in you would leave.
But i dont really care.

I want to know what you think and feel about me.

Im over you and your stupidness. Im sick of you being able
to just make me cry at the thought and how you can make
me feel like shit. Im glad to have had people around me
to pull me back up.
I got so angry that i suprised myself. I honestly dont care
what your thoughts of me are and how you would like me
to "fuck myself", i told you to do it first.
Ill always protect and defend the ones i truely care for.
I tried new things. I loved it.

God. It was a fantastic night <3

I Hate You All. Get Over It.

Im so tired and worn out but its not a bad thing.
My happiness and being around people i love has worn me out.
So many late night, meeting new friends, being my own person.
It been amazing. Something i have needed so much!
Its also made me relize who i love being around and who i shall
keep closer to me.
I relized i dont trust many of my friends at all.
I think i may only trust one or two fully.
I feel i cant tell them things without them going to tell someone else.
I feel like i want to distant from a few people because they just
cause me more stress then happiness.
I found out that i hate people morals as much as they may hate mine.
I found out that a few people are better then i would see.
I know how much how much i actually missed one of the best people
in my life and glad to have them back in town.

Im so excited for the weekend. I love drinking, im not going to lie to
myself. I do have decent control on myself and everyone just is
so happy, that what i love.
I love my job at the present time. The entertainment industry is exactly
where i want to be!
Im so content with everything right now. Sure there are things that need
to be fixed up but they have always been the things that need a bit of
fine tuning but why should i worry about it.
The better things in my life are as great as they will ever be.

I loved snuggling and sleeping with you today.
This is what i love about us but at the same time hate.
We are so perfect for each other while we do
destroy each other to the core.
It is why i can't have you out of my life.
You are the one person that is mine even if your
not around.
I want us to be the people we were today but i know
that tomorrow it will just go back to the usual.
I wish i had someone with me now, i am kinda
scared but i dont have anyone else i could have asked.
I wish you wanted to spend nights and days with me.
But i do wish he stayed, maybe even a bit more.
I was to scared to ask..

Why the fuck does things keep dying!?

secret #10: I have smoked.

I just want to be skinny and fit and have no hidious marks on my body.
Kinda like my friends.
I will get there, just need to get motivation again.

Secret #9: For more then a year every 11:11 i saw and wished on i wished for you to get better and us to still be together and happy.

Today was the deadline i gave myself to make my decision.
To be with you or without you.
When i first saw you and you pulled me back to have that moment
with me, it made me think maybe you do care.
But then where were you the rest of the day?
where was you coming up to see me or talk to me?
I know i should have sat and spent time with you rather then just sitting there looking at you. Waiting and wanting.
You make me feel insane, you make me be someone im not.
What if im not doing all i can with us?
I feel like im being selfish. That me wanting to be everything to you
or just something more then what i am to you now.
I just want you to care and to notice. Yet after a yeah im still close
to onthing to you and thats how i feel.
Im so sick of crying about how alone i feel. Crying over just wanting
having someone to care about me and think im one of the best things
that they have.
I think i have someone who does or atleast makes me feel like how i
want to feel. I know he has better girls he can choose from and i  think
i would only be fair if i let him go. I cant suck him into the hole im in
even if he may be the only way of me getting out. I want him here all the
time with his arms around me. I cant remember the last time i felt that
wanted. I wish you were here right now.. I know i would never want you
to leave though and thats what im scared of because you could leave.
I just want him to be happy, even if its taking every bit of happiness from
me. I dont know what point it is that i should do something for myself.
Im on his strings while he is playing his game with his rules.
If he wants me im there, whenever he asks.
But i dont want him anymore. I dont want to be sad anymore.
I dont want to be alone either... What if no one else wants me..
I wouldnt even want me.

Secret #8: i think im falling for you.

I had the best new years that i wish for. well actually when me and teagan
wished on 11:11 that night, i wished for the most amazing night and my
wish completly , 100% came true.
The people i shared it with, how close i became to people, the hilarious
adults, how happy and high the mood was, not sleeping until the sun
started to rise. Not even a killer headache kept me down.
Everything was perfect for me. a perfect way to start the new year.
You drive me mental. I dont think i want you in my life under
the label you are under now. But i dont know how to say it to you.
My uncle died today.
 RIP Uncle Papa.
You were there when i was growing up and when i saw you last it made
me upset because i knew from the look of you this day was coming.
Ill miss you and i know that you are in a happier place now.

I also think my dog is missing.