Rape will be consented.

Once upon a time, I had my chance for a happy ever after.

I wasnt worth the fight or the effort.
Now we are here. Like we never existed.
I am sorry. For everything i did wrong.
We werent bad. We were amazing.
Two Different people, Different places.
We were forever but right now tore us apart.

We werent anything, but you were everything.
For that short time that you were there.
Has made you still be here in my mind.
I know your not, i know you have no interest in being here.
i cant stop my thoughts drifting to you.
Its like sometimes i lose my breathe when it happens.
I look up at the stars and look for a certain one.
It reminds me of you, alot does.

I dont know what this is. I dont know what to think of it.
But i dont mind it.
Im not sure of it but i think i was i would back out.
Its good for right now and i enjoy it.
So soon and we are quite close, i think.
I curious of what you tell people.
Im curious of you in general.
So much more that i could write but, im not going to.
Im going to try and keep certain things just in my mind.
Im to open with everything in my life.
There are somethings i wish i could forget but relive over and over.
the sinking feeling i get when i remember lets me know it was real.

Human emotion is strange.


Tonight i went into a day dream, everything that would tear me down did.
i ran and hid, tried to breathe, cried.
Messaged you and for you to not bring anyone else, just you.
You came, you held me, you made it all okay.

 

sleep is for the weak.

I walked into maths to day with the knowledge of doing a test.
I got my paper, sat down and looked at it.
I didnt answer one question, everything on the paper made no sense.
Its like it was written in a language i was unfimilar with.
I have no motivation for school or achieving.
So there goes my school life and making people proud.
I wish i could, i wish i could understand, study for hours, get top marks.
Yet for some reason i cant, because i suck.
Im tired and worn out.
Im confused and abandoned.
Hmm wonder what he is doing?
Im also so excited for the weekend!

And after a bag of cheesy balls..

Its real now, You have no attactment to me and its what i wanted.
I didnt want to drag you down with me.
But now you can go do whatever you would like, with whoever.
I know i shouldnt be thinking about it but i cant help it.


It was werid today because it wasnt you who was there.
I dont know if it felt okay or not.
I know now and from now on, you wont be here. It scares me.
I know i have my friends around and im so thankful.
they have been and always will be the only thing keeping me from losing it all again.
Im not going to depend on them though, its why i had to have a break with you.
It does feel more like a break up... maybe it is..
Just seeing that, having it sink in and hitting my chest. Well, hurt.
But im doing this for me, to me. Its always only been me.

Im still left here, thinking about what you could be thinking about..
But i know, last night it wasnt me..

If someone wants to be a part of your life they will make the effort to be in it.

I was doing fine today, I thought it was going so good until that moment that and i lost all my stability.
I felt like i just wasnt there anymore. I couldnt breathe, i couldnt think. I still feel like im slowly drowning.

I really hope tomorrow just goes well.

Curl up in a ball and die a little.

Im so scared and more and more putting myself in a hole with the hope i can get myself out.
Im all alone now, i am by myself in this and its how i wanted it.
I need to work my own things out and not drag people down into it.
I cant expect him to be there all the time to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.
I cant expect people to run their lives around me.
I know i need to do this even though all i want is you back in my bed.
This time i have to be strong, i cant run to you tomorrow when im feeling weak,
I dont want to put you through this again and i know if i dont sort it out i will.
But i do understand if you cant be here..
There is no doubt about me loving you.
I didnt want to cry in front of you, i didnt want to show you that side of me again.
I couldnt help it because the thought of me doing it hurt me so much.
And thats why im a mess, its why you deserve better, Its why i hate myself.
Because i can never make sense, i can never do things right and i hope this time i can..

Im Not This Girl. Ive Never Been This Girl.

FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.FUCK.
Yeah, so i got a feeling things are just about to get so much more complicated cause im selfish.
Fuck.
As much as this put a smile on my face, now i dont wont to wreck it.
But i have to tell you! I really wish i didnt have too. I know it wont be normal if i do!
Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Im really am such a messed up, bad person!
Now ive got the butterflys, the nerves, scared.
Now im over thinking. blargh.
WHY IS NO ONE AWAKE! 

Just stomping on people hearts. Fuck.

I feel like the worst person in the world.
Im so just wanting to rage quit on life. Or just run away for anything.
And to someone else, when did you become such a jerk?! or rude and confident?
I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry some more to be honest.

Lets just fall.

I think i have been fighting with my feelings and trying to get yours for to long that im over it.
And i am sorry, but i really can't anymore, emotionally and physhically.
I would love us to still be friends but i know you wont be able to do that or stay in my life.
but i know that and willl have to live with it.
I dont know if i actually have the guts to do it, i dont know if i can.
I think i need to do it for myself though.. I want to be happy.
I do think that maybe there isnt a better guy out there for me so i could be throwing away the best thing that will ever happen to me but maybe another guy out there will love me too.
Im so bad at this..

I think i saw you in my dream you were stitching up the seams on every broken promise.

Going through all our past conversations... Its unbearable in how much i miss you.

I want a massive tedddy and be spoilt!

Im always playing with fire when it comes to you..
I know your not going to be that guy i want but i still want you.
I knew i wouldnt be getting anything today..
And even when you came to the door and said that you hadnt i still smile and said it was fine.
That you will get me something, but now its not the same if i didnt get you something you wouldnt even think of it.
Then you say that your sorry you never get me anything. And it feels like i got punched in the gut.
Today was a horrid valentines day. Im so sick that i cant breathe through my nose
but im glad i can eat normal again and god i was hungry, ate anything in the kitchen!
I hope to god its not a long flu!
I really wish i got something from anyone for valentines day...
Even some chocolate to eat while i drown my sorrrows.
Then to think i know im still going to stick around.
I cant expect people to help me with this because i wont help myself.
I have to stop complaining about it because its my own fault.

I wish i could be your princess.

I just finished wrapping your presents and im so confused on what to write on your card.
You wont even give me the time of day to see me tomorrow, i bet you havent given it a thought.
I ask to see you today, you reply its to late, then i ask to see you tomorrow and another excuse.
you tell me you have been stood up all day, but how is that my fault! why take it out on me.
I dont know what else i can do to make you want or love me more.
Am i being that bad of a girlfriend that you dont really want anything to do with me?
Maybe if i change my looks more then you will want to be around me?
Why cant i just be enough!
Then for me to pour my heart out to you hopeing that you would just care and be here for me.
But then to get no reply after it hurt so much.
This constant back and forth is destroying all the strengh i have got over the years.
Im so lost.

I want a crush that im inlove with.

I love those first moments of meeting someone and its all new and fun.
I love those first times you message for hours on end and its so interesting because there is so much to know.
i loe that excitment, that mystery, those nerves. And they are all of the good time.
Why does it get to that point where all that goes and it stops being cute and interesting and fun.
Why does the Mystery and nerves turn into something we dread.
Or maybe its just me. And what i put myself though.

Take back those words unsaid.

Im so fucking sick of everyone.
There are a few people in my life that i have now consider and have proved to be something i need and want in my life.
And when i say few, i mean one or two.. People that have been here not only when they want me but just for some good times. I have very little friends even though people consider me "popular" and i dispise getting called that. If i was i would have more people in my life considering me important as i would them.
In another sense i have alot of people i do cherish and i care for them so much yet these people are probably the people that are the lease in my life and i never see them but when i do its so good and i get so happy. Does that make us friends?
if we are only hear for each other on ocassion and on and off.  Even the concept of friends in becoming complex.
People either want me in there life or they dont. They want to be here for me and ill be there for them. They will want to make the effort to see me or talk to me and i promise to make the effort in return. But if you dont, then im okay with that because i do not need the extra stress nor the frustration. I want to be so happy like i was only mere weeks ago.
And to the few people i have tried so hard with. Im sorry for everything, for the past and present. I hope all our futures are alot better. To the few that are with me still. i love you so immensly and cannot imagine life without you anymore

I make up crazy situations in my imagination

Why can i not stop thinking about you.
Why cant i just get it in my head.
Why do i just want what we had.
Why am i doing this to myself.
Maybe summer creates these things and dissappear as summer does.
I really hope that isnt that case but i dont see how i can get it back.
I always try to have situations where i dont get hurt but i dont always remember they they could.
I want something that doesnt exist anymore.
I just want it back, so bad.
And my wanting that is so bad.

i need a balance, one i cant find.
im so skrewed and alone.

A battle never won nor lost.

At the end of the day the only person you have is yourself.
People are not going to be there for you all the time.
People are not going to make you happy all the time.
Because frankly, they have their self to worry about.
Im trying to relize this. And im getting there.
Its something someone wise and important would always tell me.
At the end of the day i have to answer to myself.
Need to stop thinking that i need people around or to talk to, to make things alright.

And to add, im so sick of people being so superficial, im trying to lose it.
Guilty as charge im superficial yes, now seeing how everyone else is.
Its making me just so annoyed. There are more important things in the world.

Im an artwork

Tattoo number one, Hopefully on my birthday: A small buddha on my hand. A simple cute idea for when people hold my hand they can rub it for luck.
Tattoo number two, when i can afford it: A medium sized ancor on my right shoulder blade for my dad with detail and symbols with my fathers name in the thick ancor.
Tattoo number three, Whenever i feel like it after first two: A mario cloud, for my own reasons.
Tattoo number Four, also whenever: a line of meaningful dialouge on my neck, for own reasons.
Tattoo number five, whenever: The triforce because it symbolises the mean for my childhood and also to symbolise power wisdom and courage.

They say that the best blaze burns brightest, when circumstances are at their worst.

Places i go, it makes me think of you.
When i see you sometimes, my heart drops and i get butterflies.
Even at those times when im just thinking you take over all my thoughts.
Somethings just cant work out.
In another place and time we would have been perfect.

Welcome to manhood Jason!

Being around the people i have been surrounding myself with lately is doing amazing things for myself.
Esp. the people i was with today. I really wish one really amazing lady could have been there though.
It was a good one. Swimming in the best pool surrounding by stunning ladies and handsome males.
It what i do enjoy. Males of their looks should just never wear shirts i have decided.
Even when a naked somebody did shock us all, it added to the night.
Nothing was down, all moods were high.
My new goal after meeting Newman is now getting him to like me..
Since im quite cold blooded i love the sun. Maybe not the harshness of it but the heat is so good.
Just had such a good time!

+size.

Today i had a photoshoot, i feel weird calling it that because im not a model or anything.
I dont know what else to label it though.
I was so nervous but excited. I was scared that they would look so bad.
But she was so lovely and i pretty much had a stylist aswell.
The shoot went for about 4 hours. I felt so beautiful.
How much they would compliment me boosted my confidence so much.
They notice how insecure i was but worked to build it.
It was so profession but quirky.
When they would say how i have such great shape and look like a pin up girl.
They were so happy the i wasnt, and to quote, a " coat hanger ".
It makes me so proud of my fuller figure and lady curves.
How i have the start of a burlequse body.
I dont need to be bone to be beautiful, im more beautiful now and healthy.
I cannot wait to see the finished photos, well the ones she chooses!
i just want something to look at that makes me feel goood.