it seems as i have my gift of photography. i just tried and it was horrible! im hoping tomorrow night someone will get some good shots.
i bought the nicest dress today and i cant wait to wear it!
i want a new display picture on facebook.
i also have such a new found love for vampire diaries.
it is so amazing! i kinda wish i was a vampire.
When i needed someone the most he was there.
I dont think anyone has actually done that for me before.
It felt so nice to have you here, made me feel better.
I really don't know what it is about you, but something
just makes me feel so comfortable around you.
I can tell you anything and everything and not feel weird
or stupid about it. Thats a weird thing.
But its nice. Really nice.
Its funny how history repeats itself.
Its just creppy how soon it has and how exactly the same it is.
I know not to make the same mistakes but i have a feeling
that i wont be strong enough too.
The last time i was here it hurt. The reason i nearly lost the
one person i knew would be here even when not. The person i was going to leave it all for got scared and back off. We lost what ever connection we had and our friendship.
I was lucky that he was still here to take me back.
I trusted feelings i should not have. i know your not the same as him.
But even the same people are involved. Im not going to be that girl.
Ive suffered from anxiety and depression since i was 13. Alone. Ive never had any help, ive never talked to anyone about it, no one has known. Because i chose to be stronger, I chose to over come it by myself and no one really cared. Family and friends saw the marks and scars from what i was doing to myself but never did anything about it, never asked if i was okay or needed help. But i dont need help because im just me and im dealing with it all just fine.
I dont even remember how young i was when my dad left, not by choice. But he wasnt there, i was young, he was my favourite. i didnt have him anymore, i was to young to understand. I was to young to hear what my mum would say about him. Then my sister grew up, and even she left me. The one person that understood and loved me, left. I had no one, no one cared, no one was there and i was left alone Ive grown up around fighting, yelling. Hatred. For as long as i can remember, my parents always fought. They would throw things at each other, smash things, mum would try and physically abuse dad. Then i would see the after math. How broken hearted they both were. How everything in the house was everywhere. And more times or not the cops would be around,
I use to have this nightmare of my parents fighting in the kitchen of the very first house we ever lived in. They were argueing and food was going all over the place and things being broken and i would see it all from a very young me's eyes. But then i told my sister about it and i was really just re-seeing something that actually happen. Seeing a fight that i had completly forgot about that then haunted me for years. Even when its really quiet, in my head all i can hear is yelling. Im insane.
I hate my mum. Shes destroyed me. Every single bit of me. Torn from me everything i have ever loved. But still ill have sypathy for her. She pushed away my dad, made my sister leave and now is trying to take me from my friends. Shes what causes me to feel so low and useless. When im not around her im fine, i feel good and normal. But as soon as i see her it comes back. I feel like dieing. I asked her for help once, and more times after that. She was the only person i asked to help me. And she didnt. She couldnt have one of her daughters being an embarrassment. Yet im still the dissappointment. Even now she makes me feel like i have nothing to live for.
I have a condition, that is aparently due to trauma. I mentally block/forget things. I forget the people that have hurt me or left me. I block out emotions. Its to defensive thing. I block out what could danger me. but its getting worse and out of control. I dont remember things i did a week ago. I go uttly and completely numb, that not even cutting into my arm makes me feel. I hate it. I hate feeling so out of control.
I want my mum dead.
I first starting cuttting when i was in year seven. In places everyone could see. No one helped. My first attempt of suicide was in year 8. I cut and took over the useage dose of painkillers. No one noticed. My first thought of wanting to be dead was before highschool. I use to right it on boxes. No one was there.
I hate myself. I have never been able to look in the mirror and like what i see. I believe no one can ever love me. i pray to god that one day ill wake up and be anyone but myself. Because if the people i need the most walk away from me then it must be me. When my parents split i didnt even get the " its not your fault, we just cant be with eachother" and even if i did get it, it has to be. Once upon a time my parents were happy together then i came alone and now everyones life is fucked.
My 77 year old dad wishes he had my mum around to grow old with, i see how broken his heart is. I see how much he cares, i see how lonely he is. I see how much he wishes he had the money and he had the power to change how things worked out. My insane mother thinks up crazy stories in her mind and fully believes them like they are reality and tears people apart thinking there is nothing wrong with what she does.
I wish i could do something, i wish i could have done something before But now im just no where. I cant change the way my mum thinks, i cant help that to help my dad. I cant make money so everyone is happy.
The only time im ever happy is with my friends. I dont know if that is the real me but i like that person i become. im smiley and funny and just happy. But then i come back here again. I turn into the bitter girl that bites at whatever people say. That goes through boxes of tissues crying while making blogs. Always wanting to make scars but to scared of people seeing them. Just wanting an escape. But knowing that if even one came i couldnt take it.
This cant even discribe of what i feel or what ive put myself through. I dont want people to read this. I dont want people to pity me. I just needed to write this out for myself, to try and remember. To release. Then to act like the things in my life have never happened.
Not matter how bad we get i will always love you. As much as you havent really been here, you always have been.
Today i saw you for the guy i love. Even though at the start my
head wasnt in the right place by the end it was.
It kinda reminded me of why im still here, because in some small
way i can make you happy.
I could never leave you because i would never want to cause you pain.
Though how could me leaving cause anyone pain?
I believe you would be hurt though, i cant do that to you.
For you to be happy I would give my life and happiness, for you. Even though we cant talk for hours and we can get a little awkward,
its me and you baby. And we will work it out, work out how to do
this how relationship business.
Im going to make my head and heart feel the same, for you.
Ps. To the one person that has been there for me for the last few weeks,
showing me the best times that life offers. To you, thankyou. And I love you <3 I'll always be here, to hold your hand, even when you want to let go
PPS. You have the softest hands. Your the cutest thing in the world and make
me unbearably happy. Please dont leave.
You make me wait for hours, days, a year.
I should be with you now but im not.
But im waiting, waiting for you to be ready.
Yet when i think your ready, it may be to late.
Im already thinking of him.
This is how i do, ill ignore all my other heartache
and fill my mind with such love filled obsession.
Things in my life are both getting so much better but then
so much more complicated.
When i referr to things in my life im talking about a comonly
talked about section of my life.
I really hope he doesnt let me down but then on the other hand
i dont think i would really mind, because of him.
He had made me feel happier then i have in a while.
I feel smitten. I feel like im my age again and crushing on a boy.
I dont feel like im married and have to go through all the bad parts.
Im just happy. So unbelieveable happy.
And i love her. I love her for just making me happy in general.
Her for being there, her for being her, her for making my life interesting.
Im pretty high right now.
I also hate christmas. With a passion. I dont know why. I like presents but
i like presents any time of the year. Christmas is just stupid and angers me.
I could never let you go, i was so set on me finally being able to.
I kept thinking i should do it, i should do it. Then something in me
kept me holding on. And here we are, still us, still holding on.
It doesnt help that i started to fall for him, ill keep thinking of him.
Yet my whole heart is going to my relationship, im using up
everything i have left to make it work, i dont know how, but it
will. To have you you hold me again and tell me you love me made
me feel like i use to feel, i was happy, happy to just be with you and
feeling your warmth again. Please, for my sake, let it work this time.
Ive been throught things people will never understand.
Ive done things people will never know.
I feel things people will never know because ill never tell.
Ive put myself in denial and its warm here.
So S.M.D, This is my life, i do what i will with it.
Ill trust you, knowing you will all fuck me over.
Ill love you, knowing you will tear me down.
Ill keep on living, knowing it will one day end.
Running into you made everything just so much better.
Having you actually there, that i could hug and talk to.
You werent weird or weird to be around, it was like
we see each other all the time.
Thinking about the little time i spent with you just makes
me smile. Your so nice and just lovely.
Im glad to have a friend like you. And i now know for
certain that even though there is so much distance between
us we will always love each other.
I cant wait for you to get back, i should be wanting such a
thing but i just want to spend time with you and talk to you.
I think you are just one person i will grow to love.
Today i cried, for us, for how we wasted this time and the love
between us. How we wanting the same thing but how it never
happened and how now we cant fix it because i know you wont
try. How did we both let this happen.
We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.
Im just sitting here, in a pretty tired state. But it has all been worth it.
Teagan, Maddy, Keira and various other people have made this last week
of my pure freedom perfect. Alot has changed in this time period.
Yet the people and things we have been doing just make me smile.
I dont want to lose this because it does make me just so happy.
I love that i can just message teagan and within the hour we are
together and doing something that makes us happy.
The good does out way the bad and during these next 6weeks
i want to keep thinking like that.
I relise that my problems shouldnt matter, they shouldnt alter what
i want to feel and im feeling great! im just feeling positive.
Im seeing all the great things and the people that im around lately
are doing this.
I hope to god it doesnt change or the people get sick of me >.< I feel like i finally have someone that i can just talk to, its the
most amazing feeling. Being able to talk to you for hours and hours
even til early in the morning and knowing that it can come pretty rare.
Who do i turn to when im falling apart and no one cares to talk?
Everyone has there own problems, no one needs to hear mine.
i feel more and more like people dont care about me, they care
for my company. Or just like having me here for the fact that if
they ever needed me i would be here no matter what.
Do people actually take in a feel my emotions or just kinda help
but not feel for me?
God, i dont even know how to say it right. I know all the people in my lie would be here for me.
But as i said at the start, everyone has there own problems, so mine
shouldnt be important, and they are stupid anyway so im just going
to sit and think and keep it to myself.
a thought just came into my head:
The night sky last night. on the 11/12 and 12/12. was breath taking.
i would have stared at it all night.
I had the best friday night with teagan and maddy.
And to everyone that was there, i needed some time
just to have fun and its what happened.
Then to spend the next day swimming with them and
some guys to attractive for their own good.
That then lead into a night with teagan, david and blake
watching movies. Which brings me today, waking for the
best sleep in teagans bed, celebrating my sisters birthday
and just having a good time. It really was a perfect way to spend my last weekend of
freedom before my mum gets home.
I loved spending time with teagan, just made me realize how
much fun i have around her, no matter what we go through
or time we have apart we can always come back to this.
I treasure it.
Im saying this with complete honesty that she is the most
beautiful girl, with the best body, best looks, best personality.
she really doesnt have anything to worry about.
I know she wont be able to read this but its just facts.
i owe alot to her.
I really did miss my girls this weekend though.
i also relized that lithgow has shit all to do, at all.
Well that i know of. Ive starting talking to this one person alot, and i love it.
I love having him to talk to the last few days, all day.
I feel a little guilty, but i dont really have anyone else..
Im really glad that we have actually been able to talk and
talk since i never thought we would.
But now i am on holidays, which im so thankful for.
I need time to sort alot of me out. i need to be away
from people. Because i get jealous and bity, its not
nice. i start hating myself more. But no more of that for me i hope! need to get my train back on its tracks.
Atm, i hate people around you because you make me feel shit.
I shouldnt even be talking to you, but i really actually love talking to you.
i hope this will not jynx my luck of friendship and such. Though i do feel like you should be my secret.
When i saw you tonight, i got so excited and felt frantic.
a always noticed where you were in the room and just would
admire you when you would walk past and such.
But as i know you sweet to every girl, thats just you.
Never the less i love the feeling, but i shouldnt get attached.
Im also nervous to how tomorrow willl end up.
I feel like its make or break, for the 92749 time.
I found this beautiful. The tattoos, the tunnels, the hair, the confidence.
I do wish more then i appriciate what i have. Im sick of wishing, i want things ohw i want them. It was so hard to even say wish then.
This made me smile. Because its funny. But it does also remind me of when i was a child, and to what i can remember. I was pretty damn happy.
It does make me feel pathetic. You dont want me how i want you and its so clear. You dont realize how much you have broke me down then repair me slightly just to do it all over again. i dont understand, i ask everyone to see if they can help me understand. But no one can, you cant even. I guess im just not good enough to have you or your time, i just get a label.
My friends are the only people in my life that i will never, ever want to see in pain or to hurt or to lose. They give me the will to be happy and to smile, they give me reason to be me. I dont think the people in my life truely realize how thankyou i am for each one of them. I tend to drift away from the people i love the most because i feel like i cant hang on but im always going to love them and remember them.
I wish i had someone. Some that would hold me, think im amazing, love me, want to spend time with me, think im important, care about me, to be there, to share the good time, to help me smile, to be the reason im full of joy. I want to love someone who will love me back just as much. More then anything and the wishing is breaking my heart even more.
I sometimes feel like jumping out a window and seeing if anyone would be there to save me.
All i wanted was to you to stay with me for one night.
so i could spend time with you, lay it bed with you,
cuddle you, fall asleep with you then wake up in the
morning to you there.
but you couldnt care less. and i dont understand.
the more i think of it the more i think, well, maybe i
can just get someone else to fill the space.
I even kinda enjoyed laying in bed with someone i
wasnt sure i even liked, even though it was a terrible
sleep, it was still nice. Now if someone who is so
distant from me can do that why cant you?
I just want the company, the cutness, the compliments
the relationship, the good times.
Im not getting any of that anymore.
I want it with you because i wont ever deny my love for you
but it has been such a long time, nearly a year and nothing
has changed and it makes me think, if it ever will?
Im starting to want other people, but not in the i want you
in a relationship but im attracted to the way that they make
me feel. Why dont you make me feel special?
I dont know if you want this anyone.
I really dont know if i want it.
I want you. But i dont want this whole
situation. I dont want to not be able to
say with complete confidence that im with
because i dont feel it so i dont say it either.
I say "its compliated" or "kinda"
I should be saying "yes"
I actually have a really big fear of cars,
which i more so relized today but i always
knew i was. Maybe ill bring this up in
another blog.
Friday, December 3, 2010
I'm so fucking sick of this and how i am and how i feel.
