Hair.

This is my dream hair!
I have actually dreamt of it.
All baby type colours with no sign of my black hair.
I wish i could have this.
Yet i would be kicked out of school. ):

My Heart Beat.

When that bass drop hits your chest and moves through your
whole body. You know you alive, your feeling the music
move through you and bring you to life.
The feeling when your amongst hundreds of moving bodies.
No one knows you, you don't know them. Yet you both
share the same love for why your there.
The bruises, hits, shoves or the amount of your own and other
peoples sweat drencing your clothes doesn't even register.
You feel immortal.
Its not until i got a full view from higher up that i saw
how amazing concerts were, watching the hundreds of other
people move as one, to the same beat.
It was probably the most breath-taking thing I have ever seen.

In your arms I felt, invincible

I say and blog the same sort of things all the time.
They seem just all unhappy. And i have to say this
will be following the same pattern.
Everything i come close to getting something happens
and my life takes a million steps back.
Its the same things, Boys and my appearance.
I have pretty much given up on school because
i control any other part of my life.
Im sick of whining and complaining all the time,
im sick of hearing my self say it all the time.
Its just getting worse and worse and my mind is
starting to shut life out.
I feel like i m watching myself half the time.
I look at myself at every chance i see my reflection,
not because im vain just because i cant help it.
I do hate what i see looking back.
I feel stupid and useless. The one person i want to
just care about me unconditionally, wont. Or atleast
doesnt show it. I get mixed signals and take them to far.
I fall to hard to fast.
I cant do it anymore. I cant keep feeling so empty and alone.
But what else can i do, ive had it like this all my life.
Im starting not to feel. I really dont care about anything anymore.
except how i look.
Sick, but true. Im just another teenage girl obsessed with her looks.
- I want a guy to tell me im beautiful everyday...
I really need a change aswell, my personallity and attitude is already,
maybe a new hair colour or hair style. i need something new.

Our Lives Are Tied Separate.

There is this certain someone in my life.
Who really isnt so much in my life, but i feel they are
one of the most important people i have.
I tell him all the time how much i love him and
well, i really do.
We never see each other or really ever have.
I feel you know me better then anyone.
If im having a crap day, all you every have to do is
talk to me over the net and i become the most happy
i ever am. I love you more then i should, i know that.
I seem kinda obsessed. I talk to my friends about you,
stalk your facebook aha ahh.
And now im sitting here, while your away from the computer
eating kfc, after it kinda hitting both of us that we wouldnt
ever work. But then again, it could all be in my head.
Im completly head over heals for you, and i have been for
a year or so now. You really could not feel that way towards me
at all. And i honestly think you dont. Girls love you, i know they
do but you always tell me that im different from them, im special.
Yuor special to me. So special, that if i ever got the chance i would
drop and leave everything just to be with you.
Wow.. thats really a big thing to say. But right now, i do mean it.

I wish i may, I wish i might.

Im Not Yours, I am My Own.

I can't even express i hate how much i hate you!

You just infuriate me so much! More then anyone

ever has. You say i have no respect for you.
But you dont give me any reason to have any respect
for you. You do shit all, your a pathetic mother.
My sister has raised me, taught me, been there for
me more then you ever had. My father its my
solid ground, my hero, my motivation.
And yet you managed to repeatively push them both
away from me. Now all i have are my friends.
So you come to the decision you want to scare
all them away as well. You blame them for all your shit
and poor parenting. You think im a bad kid, you wouldnt
know me more then what you would know of a stranger
in the street.
You have nothing. And your nothing to me.
I cant stand you, you make it impossible to be home.
I hate it, I hate you. I want you to go away forever.
And even more so, when you upset me so much
that i cant breathe, you dont care you just keep pushing
me. I cant keep doing this. I cant keep looking after you.
Your like a kid, you think everyone is here to put up
with all your shit and lies.
Even though im so sick of being here, and i hate you
i know ill have to stick around cause your that unstable.
I look after myself more then you could.
Thats why i dont need you or go to you for things.
Your not my mum, simply just someone i live with.
Its sad. But its how it is, and its not going to change.
You can get fucked.

This Is Shyness.

I have recently been reading the book called "This is shyness"
Its different and to what i find, super cute.
I am so into and have gotten over half way in two days.
And im not a big reader but im always giong back to it.
Its a good book in my opinion.
Cant wait to read more tonight in bed!

Stay Safe Or Dive Head First?

It does my head in all the time. Sends everything upside down.
Its confusing. Unknown territory for me. And i dont like it.
I hate feeling so unsure, so i sure hate feeling like this.
I know what i want. Well, atleast i use to.
I dont even know if i know what i want.
Its so hot and cold, on and off.
I use to have the whole "Edward vs Jacob" issue.
But now they are equal in good and bad.
I know where im comfortable and what will last the longest.
The other half, i just dont know. I dont know how i feel.
I dont know if it would work, or how long it would last.
You most likly dont even see me like that.
But then we have certain moments where its just perfect.
To me anyways...
I'll be honest. I have wanted you, i want you.
I want you to give me attention, to talk to me all the time.
To hold my hand the whole carry one.
And when you do, i think i take it the wrong way.
Im sure its just a friends things.
Because i do hold alot of my friends hands and tell them i love them and such.
It could be exactly like that and im just looking at it from how i wished it was.
But maybe i feel this attraction because it is new, exciting, scary.
And if it was, then i would get over it after the novelty wore off.
I just, plainly, dont know.

One Last Chance, For One Last Dance.

I want, no i need so much right now.
I need your arms around me, i need to hear your voice.
I need to know your not just a dream.
I know i have my downs and my doubts about us, but
for me to still be here says alot.
I think about you non-stop, im always waiting for you to
text me, im always secretly hoping i would run into you.

I havent seen you in over a month. It kills me each day on
the inside. Each day that goes past is another day that i havent
spent with you, spent getting to know you.
I havent been able to say "i love you" or been able to hear you
say it to me.
I miss looking into your eyes and cuddling you in bed.
I want to be close to you, i want to have stupid conversations with
you.
I want to be with you. More then ever. I know that i do love you.
More then anything in the world. This pain will pass and it will all be
worth it in the end.
I cant imagine my life without you, even though i have a few times.
My life being spent with someone just doesnt make that much sense to
me.
No matter what people say, tell me i shouldnt be with you.
I want to be. Its where i belong.

I miss poking you on your left ribs because i know thats where your ticklish.
I miss you kissing me on the forehead.
I miss you blowing in my face, then laughing at the face i make as a reaction.
I miss listening to you play guitar.
I just really miss you so much, that seeing you in that picture brought me to tears,
because i just feel that we have both changed so much.
 i love you, forever & always.

My Inhale, My Exhale.

My friends,my everything, my whole existance.
Without your love, your hope, your dedication, your faith.
Your faces, your hugs, your time, your presence, your voices.
Your support, your help. To me your all i live for.
Its why im still here, its why im so strong.
When im not around you, i tend to be a completly different person.
But as soon as im around you, i turn back into me.
Im happy, i laugh, i smile, i act stupid, i say whats on my mind.
I can escape my problems and fears and insecurities.
Im always trying to be something im not, aiming to be better, perfect.
Yet when im with you, i feel like i never will ever need to change.
Its such a good feeeling. But then i go away and go back to this me.

I sometimes blame someone for me being so insecure. That they could
make me feel so much better so quickly is they tried or even relized/ cared
that i felt like this. But i know that isnt it at all. Its me and just my mind set.
I dont know why im like this.
I have lost myself alot. But when im around my friends i know who i am.
And i love it. At those times, I love me.

Thinking of them, hearing what they say about me, how much love they have for me.
Brings me to tears. Good tears.
I cannot thank them all for being in my life.
They will never really know how much they mean to me and there is so many of them.
Thankyou for saving my life.

Your Lies Give Me Hope.

I love being here for my friends and the people i care about.
But sometimes i just cant help, i can barely control my own life
and feelings. Pretty much everyday people just unload so much
onto me with the expectation that i can just fix it. But i dont know
how. I still want people to, i want to always be here for them.
Sometimes though, just sometimes, Everything ust caves it at once.
I try to support my world and everyone else's, i want to.
Its my choice, i believe i am here to make people happy.
And i will always try to do this. Its really hard not knowing how.
When things i say make it worse, when i cant make them laugh at
the stupid things i say, when i cant just be there for them.
Maybe i try to fix everyone else's problems so i can avoid mine.
Im really good at that.
Stay Classy Bloggers <3

The Labyrinth

My week has been quite the emotion rollercoaster as the cliche would go.

And i would have to say its been more lows then highs.

Main issues:

- Weight

- Family

- School

- Lovey dovey based stuff.

Weight..

This really is on my mind 95% of the day, its driving my insane. I cant eat without feeling bad, but if i didnt eat i know it would be wrong in the long run. I hate looking in the mirror. It disgusts me and i pretty much cry everytime. I went to a gig tonight, took me 2 hours to pick something to wear which i didnt like anyways. All the outfits just made me "look fat". Crazy right. Well thats exactly what it is. I can enjoy anything because i  think people are just looking at my fat or if they touch me all they feel is fat. I would sell my soul just to be as thin as i want to be. The more i think about not eating so much, or not being able to eat this or that, The more i eat. More and more and more. I started writing lists of things i have been eating during the day, that didnt make it all that much better. Its so stupid, i was healthier not thinking so much about it. Ill try and get back to that calmer state.

Family...

My family life, well to say it plainly, has always been shit. Now im going through things all over again and im all alone. No one can ever understand what is going on in my household unless they were involved in it. My hate for my family seems so stupid and disrespectful to everyone. "Your supposed to love your family" but what if they have cause you so much pain for years? its hard to cope with. I get home from places and just get angry over nothing, anything. I cant stand being around them. I cant escape it either, i have no choice but to put up with it.

School....

School all in all is just stressing me out. I cant do the work, i get poor marks, dont have time for assignments, being around people. i just dont ever really want to be there at all anymore. i just keep telling myself "one more year, one more year" i know i can make it :D

Lovey dovey...

It drives me mental, makes me do stupid things, makes me cry myself to sleep. I need it as much as i hate it. i need that love and affection from someone special. I put so much expectation on it though. Things like from the movies. I want someone that knows me inside and out, a bestfriend, knows my dreams, what i hate, what i love, spends endless hours with me just chillen, lays outside at night with me just to look at stars and breathe, to send me cute messages, to tell me im beautiful, someone to tell me and other people they love me, someone that just wants to be with me, someone to celebrate anniversary's with, go on dats with,  someone i can mess around with, someone who knows my limits and i know theirs.

As much as i hate wanting it, I want that fantasy love.

Want, want, want. Its all i do. *sigh*
Guess its just something i will have to work on.
Stay classy bloggers! <3