People like you hurt people like me.

Let myself down alot this weekend. Yet it was the best and a crazy weekend at the same time and thats all thanks to my friends! We do what we do and do it, well, well. And shit talkers talk shit about shit talking. As you can tell, my lack of sleep, or odd sleeping is catching up on me. Point is, im pretty shit but my friends make me look alright because they are the best of the best. It is time for me though to pull up to my standards and get my shit together and controled.

Most of the time i feel like everything in my life is getting to heavy for my to carry or that i just want to find where i can forget it and just be safe and warm. Then i remember the amazing people that i have, i remember the struggles they go through day to day, i remember that i have it pretty good then people that are struggling to feed themselves everyday or to support there family. Im lucky that im still here, that im still surround by the ones i love in such a beautiful place that gives me every opportunity i could think of. My family may fight, not live with each other, hurt each other, hate each other, just want to never see each other again but then there are times when we do come together and those short times when we are okay, its really great. Im over thinking about what i have had or dont have, or what kind of bad things i have gone through in my life because in the grand scheme of it all, its nothing compared to what other people have to face. My constant complaining about males or other people is starting to get on my own nerves. I shouldnt dwell in such nieve spaces. I should just look forward, im 17, im young, im still just in this small town, there is so much more to see, to feel, so many people to meet. People will always come in and out of my life, its been happening all my life. There are people i wish i could pull back in closer to me but they are people i cant but still love. They wont even relise that i feel so strongly for them. i believe once they leave me, there journey with me is over and they are on there way to there next place in life. No one likes going backwards. no matter how much the other person in staying still waiting for them to turn around. You should never turn around, you should just keep going because the pass shouldnt wayyou down but give you motivation to push forward. Then i remember who i am living for, my biggest inspirations to stop looking at the ground, to lift my head and be better then i ever was. Right now im so sick of all my negative energy. I need to grasp the better things, the better people, grasp a better lifestyle. Yes, like every girl on the face of the planet, i hate the way i look. Yes i am going to rant about it, then hopefully never bring it up again. I hate how i look in the mirror, it makes me want to be sick. I find my self repulsive. Ive been trying for two years to get to the body type i want and im still not there, i have given up many times but i try and pick my self back up. I truely believe that if i was skinny my life would become more simple. I hate feeling gulity after every meal, i hate that i think about what i should and shouldnt eat that i just eat everything, i hate that i do just eat and eat and eat. i go to the gym for an hour every school day, i do half an hour of dance on monday, an extra hour class tuesday, hockey training wednesday then i play hockey on saturday. Yet still im not good enough. So it must be what i eat right? then i could be like " im not going to eat" BUT in real life, that doesnt work because you screw up your metabolism down so much that when you get older and cant work out all the time and want to go out and eat with your friends or family, the weight doesnt come off and you gain weight quicker. so really there is nothing i can do but whine then im sick of everyone else whining about the same thing so im going to stop. ive said what i wanted to and now i forever wont again. There are a few things i wish i could tell very certain people, but im embarrassed by them, im worried even they culd judge it. Sometimes i think im just a massive failure and a fuck up. Maybe because my parents and things seem to steer me into that thought. But i try. Then i get stressed then just want to be around my friends because they are the thing in my life that make everyday better and better. So i forget about school, i forget about my family. And just do things to make it all go away and seem so much easier. yet ofcourse you always have to go back to what your running from because you cant run forever then you relize what your running from is really yourself because you cant take a handle of anything that you havent even got a handle on your own mind or where it goes and the things it does. Anyways, i really just wrote all this out to avoid some sort of breakdown because im sick of them and have a headache.

I thought i was being so strong i thought i was handling it.
But then you message me and i breakdown.
Its because you did give me such false hope, you did mean alot to me, you still do and not writing back takes so much strength. I know your not a good person anymore, i would never be able totrust you again and nothing will ever change what you did even if you ever did want to take it back.
You make me feel hidious and fat and ugly.

I hate how worthless this has made me feel.
I hate you.
I hate more that i already miss you.

You da man.

If i thought i felt bad a few days ago, i feel a million times worse now.
Im sorry im not a model or good enough to keep you.
I cant say i never saw this coming, because that would be a lie.
I knew i wasn't up to stratch from the start.
But things happen, people relize things.
Im not going to say it does hurt either, since it does.
I actually thought that maybe, it would be alright to let someone in.
But no. Again i am right, im never letting anyone else in again.
Another part that makes this worse is that you dont care.
You dont care that i found out, now im just out of the way.
You wont try and get me back, And yeah, that hurts.

I let myself down daily and its starting to really get into my brain.
Im the worst daughter and sister, im the worst friend and stranger.
But i dont know what to do anymore.
There is one thing i want to be and ive been trying for two years to be.
I have one person, one person that i love with all my heart.
Someone that i confid with for everything, someone i do take for granted.
I feel like im becoming a burden though.
Lately ive been feeling like everything is getting so heavy.
I wish i could talk about a few things with people. I wish i could be open.
Maybe then it wouldnt seem so heavy.
I know that i cant keep doing this. Its making me into someone i dont want to be.
Im cynical, I want to repeativly ram peoples heads into walls.
There is only one thing i ever want to do these days.
And it just makes me feel numb and i love it.
There is so much in my mind right now, and its keeping me in my bed all day today.
I wont be moving until i have to go play hockey.

Im trying but im to weak.
Im never going to get there.
Im never going to be able to do this.
I dont try hard enough.

I wish i wasnt so use to keeping everything inside me.
Im to use to keeping things bottled up that i have forgotten how to talk to people about things.
I try, i really do. I try to unload things but all that ever comes out are the stupid things.
I could talk about guys and my issues with them for days.
I could talk about how much i hate certain people and so one.
That stuff is easy, its light, slightly fluffy. There is no realy depth in it.
I would love to tell people certain things but i cant.
Im scared of what they will think, im scared they will think of me different.
I try to ignore everything so it doesnt seem real.
Not going to lie, it works. Half of my dramas seen like insane imagination.
It feels surreal but maybe its a hint of denial.
Then again, i know people can have it way worst then me.
So who am i to complain.

I had the best night with you and i kinda wish i could have you there everynight.
I have no doubt about my feelings for you.
I do have doubt in other things though, that arnt important now but the future.
I'm still just abit scared.

I hate you because im jealous and i wish i could have done it like you did.

i miss this.

I remember walking along the side of the road out of curiosity.
I remember the mass line of cars and confused, frustrated people inside them.
I remember passing people I knew and seeking information.
I remember coming to the flashing lights and people in uniforms.
I remember the sound of the helicopter, them loading someone then flying off.
I remember seeing the car.
I remember not thinking anything of it and asking how long traffic will be stuck.
I remember walking away.
I remember driving away in the car and backtracking, feeling tired and sick.
I remember the way i was feeling and how it brings me guilt now.
I remember the messages perfectly.
I remember the wrenching feeling in my stomach.
I remember the whole daunting trip home.
I remember that night.
I remember and see this everytime a moment goes silent.
I remember and see this everytime i close my eyes.
I remember and never want to forget.

Numb is all i have wanted to feel lately, and most of the time i am.
Its like im seeing myself watch myself. Most of the time in on auto pilot.
half of the time i have no idea what im doing, and im turning into something
i hate. But i dont want to feel anything anymore.
The moment i let one emotion in the rest come flooding in.
I start feeling like shit all over again.
What im doing to myself is the only way i can get through day to day.
I hate it but i dont think i can do it other wise.
I forget everything that has ever happened, i forget how it made me feel.
Right now, im feeling, im feeling ever bad feeling i have pushed aside.
I dont want anyone around me nor do i want to be around anyone.
to contradict myself, i want people to want to be with me.
But they dont.
And that takes to where my head is right now.
I have nothing going for me, personality, looks, brains, humour. Nothing.
I complain. And i cant sit here and type about how much i hate myself.
In the end i have to deal with it myself.
Im never going to be as good as anyone, im never going to mean much to someone.
Guys will always use me, People will always hurt me.
Its life, and im going to live it. numbly.
I had a talk about it with someone last night, who for some reason could relate.
We stayed up for a bit talked about the people in there life and how i view things.
It was kinda nice, but insane.
Im done with most of the people that are in my life again. Well, one, and a few more.
The one person that made everything and would make it okay wont be back.
So i just want to be alone.

i give up.

Whenever i feel down i can talk to him, and its nice, its abit odd, and funny, but makes me feel good.

Its seem like forever since i felt like this and now i cant shake it.
The last weeks have been so amazing and now i feel as small as an ant again.
I dont remember the last time where i hated everyones existance because
of how shit it made me feel all the time or how inadequite i feel in comparison.
There is only one person that makes me happy all the time, i know they will
never leave me or hurt me or anything along those lines.
I wish i could stop just feeling like this.