"I need to break, be broken. I want to remake, create and become stronger."

The way you say things to me about me and just how much you make me feel good.
Does really feel good. I do know im not the only girl you do talk to like this.
But i dont care. I enjoy the feeling to much. And im really excited to see you.
Nervous at the same time though.

Everyone Has Left. Dont Add To The List.

This really is like a drug. No matter how much i want to stop, i cant.
Ill always keep coming back for more. You do put me on the biggest
high but then when i dont get enough i feel like im falling through the
floor. Its always going to put this pull to push situation.
But i know no matter how much i want to just escape this pain or
withdrawel or this just wanting of you. But when i do get you,
it just comsumes me. All my feelings for you just explode.
I still have this quench in my stomach that you dont feel the same
but im still just hoping that it isnt like that and that you do love me
as much as i love you. Im uncertain but certain of what i want.

^^^ That just says it all. Amen, photo!

We never promised. Just hoped.

Would you be there if i went insane, destroyed everything near
me, i went completly off the rails?
Would you help me back to sanity, fixed everything i broke
and helped me back on tracks and company?
Would you love me and not leave me all alone?

Keep Strong.

Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe
Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe Breathe

boom.

Love me! Is it that freaking hard. Am i that awefull!?
You make me feel like im not good enough!
And i dont know what i can do, im probably not good enough.
Fuck. This. So. Much.

My Wise Words.

Lifes happiness comes from sacrifice.
Its a true concept that i have relized.
I feel like laying under the night sky,
just taking in the lit up sky,
It always makes me calm, i dont know why.
But its cold out there. i Hate being cold.

Please, Im Sick Of Getting Punched In The Gut.

Okay, so i dont actually have the will power to stop complaining.
Well maybe not complaining as such just directing all my bad thoughts
and energy somewhere. And when i decided to give up blogging,
i have no where else to go. There is alot i cant tell friends, deff cannot
tell family or facebook. So here is the only place.

Im going to put my link on facebook, like Jackie did, Cause shes pre fly.
So hello to anyone who is just tunning into my stupid state of mind.
Hope your all doing alot better then i ever did.

Well, to get started. I think im losing something that i made my world.
And im having nightmares about it, i freak out when i think of it.
Im so open to blows and getting knocked down.. This isnt me.
I was always on my guard about this because ive seen so many people
hurt from the same situation, i grew up with it. I relied on myself. But now
i dont. But now i cant have you either and i dont know what to do , with
anything. I have a gut feeling that this isnt going to end and it would have
the other day. But it really does kill me. I cant have you leave. as pathetic
and childish as that sounds. I shouldnt have made you this important and thats
where i made my fault, i let down my walls and i can put them back up to
protect me.
I know i will end up hiking to Jackies place, sobbing while eating a tub of
icecream sing "all by my seeelllff"

I also mention this other certain someone, first time i have said her name out
loud like she was a part of my life. It made me stop, and just become numb.

I have no idea what im doing. Im good at shutting things and people out,
like they dont exsist or like we have never had a past nor have a future.
I cant help putting on this mask i have created so well. I can even fool
myself. Even at the thoughts of destruction in laughing like nothing has
ever been wrong in my life.

The more i think about it, the more i have nothing, the more i see the holes
i want to be filled.

I consider myself a good person. I love people, i would put them before me always.
I think i do good things or something. But im not bad.. Atleast i thought i wasnt..
But if i was good, wouldnt i have good karma? I would get the good things.
The things i yern to have. Not all this pain and hurt. All this stress and confusion.
So maybe i am a bad person. Maybe i dont deserve a normal family were my mum
isnt mental, where my dad is happy and pleased of where his life got him, maybe
my sister would be able to connect with other people, maybe i wouldnt be so
fucked up or have someone to just love me so unconditionally that we knew each
other inside and out, knew what made us happy or cry, wanted to make each other
happy at any cost.
I know its selfish! And maybe thats why i have bad fortune.. but why cant i have someone
that will just care about me and want to help and just care.. i would do the same for them
so they dont have to deal with themselves and me..

I thought about death, my death for the first time. And i wasnt scared.

These next few weeks should be the best of my year! My mums gone and i an get up to
whatever the hell i want! but instead for my first weekend, i sat on the couch, slept,
watch dbz, cryed, felt sorry for myself, ate then cryed some more. Sad thing is, that
i still just want to spend all this time with you, but im holding you back from so much.
You would be better off with out me, most people would be.

This isnt me.

I think im going to stop blogging.
i complain about the same things over and over.
I feel whiney and gay.
So i think.. i will stop.
And pwn my demons another way.

Present a Present.

Insanity. I know now that i have lost all control of everything.
I need to gain some sort of stability. But its so hard when
have of me just wants to quit everything and just stop.
I feel stupid just knowing im just another stupid, messed up
teenager. I hate feeling like no one understands me, yet i
know that alot of people would. But no one can help.
Insanity. I kind of want to turn to drugs or alcohol or something.
something extreme and crazy. Just probably for attention as
i have been told that i am doing lately. That im going things
for attention. I probably am but what do they all know.What does anyone know about me?
I could have been lying to everyone for my whole life.
Only i know me. control. I lack control. I admit that.
But i want to lose all control so badly while being so lost.

Im currently sitting, listening to music, waiting.
Im all dressed up for this yr 12 formal.
Im pretty proud that i got invited, but so nervous.
I have i feeling i wont be wanted there and i
dont want to be crashing it but i think i will
have a really good night!
i feel pretty good about how i look right now.
Everyone will look so stunning! im excited now.

I guess tonight told me kinda that she was going on holidays
next week for maybe a month. She never really tells me any
thing straight up but that is what i got from it.
This means, i get to spend time with my daddy, get freedom
on weekends, not have to be stressed out all the time.
Its going to be so good, i really am so excited!
I have so many plans and ideas going through my head.
I want to have amazing sleep overs with my girlfriends and
party down with them! I want to go to Woywoy and stay with
cloudstick! I want to have sleep overs with my boo and get to
wake up next to him. I just want to do whatever i feel like doing.

I want to spend all my time with you these days, i want you to be
that guy that never wants to leave his girlfriend and will talk to his
friends about her and when he plans things automatically puts me
in the picture. You might do these things, i have just dont know or
havent noticed. Maybe i havent shown you that i want this, that i do
want all your attention, all the time, i really dont want to share you.
As stupid as it is, when you tell me your going to hang out with another
girl, all i want to do is to stop it from happening. That would be unfair
though i have guy friends so you should have girl friends.
I never want to force you to spend time with me, so i never really ask,
i dont want to appear clingy or obsessed.
I really hope though when i get the chance to stay with you, it will happen.
I want to go out to dinner with you and movie and dinner with your family
and drag you shopping and just all that stupid stuff!
It will all happen in time. Maybe when you reply to all my messages, and
quicker. It does make a differance guys.

Ive decided i want to go back to how i looked at my deb.

"Seeing Everyone's True Face Makes Me Wish They Would Keep Their Masks On."

I love costumes! like adore them to the point where
it could be addictive! I really want to create a collection!
But they are so expensive. Maybe if i buy one every so
often i an slowly but surely get a good one going!

Fixed Feelings Forming Foundations.

I feel like i cant be sad because someone else is.
I feel like i cant think im fat because someone else thinks it.
I feel like i cant want to be thinner because everyone wants it.
I feel like i cant have the perfect relationship because its so cliche'.
I feel like i cant believe that i have a horrible home life because everyone has issues at home.
I feel like i cant have problem because people expect me not to.
I feel like i cant have alot that i want because thats life.
I feel like i have to keep being immune to life and being some sort of puppet.