I got down to 62kilos. I've never been that light for as long as I can remember. Then something happen, I went on holidays, I was babysitting and inside everyday, I didn't go to the gym and I ate all their free food. I got bad old and bad sloth like habits and have gained 8 kilos. When I last went on the scales, a few days ago, I weighed in at 70 kilos. I haven't been this heavy in such a long time. I don't know how I could have done this to myself and let my self loose so much control. It broke me down, now I don't have enough spirit to even get back to going to the gym everyday because well, what's the use? I'm always going to be fatter. But now I'm left feeling like shit. For some reason my anxiety has risen to a point where I don't remember when it was this bad. I'll haveatleast 3 attacks day. Mainly when I wake up. It takes me so long to compose myself to go to school or sleep when it hits at night. What girl doesn't want to be hot and skinny? That's why I try not to talk about how bad this is affecting me to others hence me writing it in a blog.
A lot of people think they are fat, and they arn't. They wouldn't know what it's like to be fat. I do. When I was 14 I weighed 85 kilos. I was classified as obese. I'm so scared to be that again.I got teased daily for being that big. I know how it feels to be ridiculed for just your appearance, people are shallow and say things they don't relize would have the affect that they would.
I don't think anyone understands what goes on in my head but everyone does, I've learnt that. We all have the same insane thoughts. I still won't share mine, this is only a glipse into my insane mind set on these. And the rest I will never tell because frankly, who cares. Everyone is dealing wi the same shit.

And it would attention seeking. Not an actual issue.
Apparently.

I have not blogged on here for such a long time, it seems like a whole new me is here now.
One that walls have been breached and everyone can see my insides so im starting to self destruct to keep my secrets hidden. i dont know where im going with this or in a bigger picture of where i am going with anything. i drown myself and do anything to feel numb just so escape reality and push the things i dont want to deal with further under. I have done this or have gotten so use to doing this that i stopped relizing.It wasnt until my biggest inspiration told me to "fuck off, i dont care" that i got hit with what i have been doing. im creeping more and more into a dark cave. alone. and that where all my unconscious protective walls have gotten me. feeling alone. well, honestly, i am alone. i really do believe that. but then im not i have so many amazing people around me. but im just pushing them away. i got told today that i have to not judge people on the basis of what people have been like in the past. that i shouldnt leave people before they have the chance to hurt or leave me because it might not ever happen. But im not giving people the chance. im running so far away that people stop knowing who i am. I dont want that though. i want to be happy and bubbly and energetic again. the world has consumed me with all its darkness and im trying to light a candle. ive built up so much negative energy over the years, my own and others, that now its all coming out and i feel over cynical. i cant be around people, i cant be around loud noises or huge atmospheres because i get nervous and freak out. more and more im thinking that no one wants me around so i stop everything to stop annoying them. i go out every weekend, sit in their lounge room and just chill, i barely sleep. i dont run around, do weird funny shit or really have fun anymore. i feel like im faking and forcing everything. even whilst writing this my mind is in a million places. but im trying, im trying to be worthwhile for myself, im trying to become a better person. an older, improved version of the old me. not this ugly aura that is all i am now. i dont want to push people away anymore, im trying to take it all in. but im just so lost.

The only reason i wanted my old facebook back was so i could look at you.
Now im struggling to breathe, shaking and trying to pull it together.
This pain means you were real. Our friendship was real.
But that makes your absence real too.
I remember now how we met, at a gig, i was with aaron.
I dont know how it came to this but i ended up taking your beanie
and thats how we started, playful and fun.
I love you.

I hate the hype and pressure that is around body weight. That the now perfect body in the views of girls is some pole like figure with bones sticking out everywhere. I hate how at times it makes me feel so horrible because i love to eat cake, go out with friends, eat whenever and whatever i want. Ive got curves and i know that and in a a lot of ways i love it because guys do to. I'm sick of hearing how many calories are in something or how much you ate. Fuck you guys i would have eaten double the amount you have and could eat more. I quess if you think I'm over weight then yeah i probably should look after what i eat but I rather be happy and not controlled by such a thing.
A lot this year that has happened has put everything into perspective. I live for someone else not for me, I'm out every weekend because i want to be surrounded by the amazing people in my life, i do illegal things, not because it's cool or whatever attention seeking bitches want to call it, but because it's what i do and i like it and have always been like this.
Ive got pink hair and honestly the besets truest people in my life.
I wish i coupled have the guy of my dreams, one day maybe i will, im insane and it makes me crazy and cry and then become hysterically happy. Maybe being in love with a stranger will always be better then being in love with someone you completely know. It doesn't hurt as much even though sometimes it can feel like them are the only thing worth living for.
I haven't got time for fakes in my life which is why i don't have many people in mine. I do hate majority of pele because they have all. Shown a side of them that i don't want to be around and life is to short to be Andover down by such things.
I have no need for money or materialistic things. I mainly use money for food or drinks or other slightly pointless things but i honestly wouldn't care if i was broke but had the best people around me.
I want to find someone that is not connected to the rest of my life and tell theeverything, my whole life story. Then they could tell me theirs. There is one guy that knows as much as i have opened up to anyone verbally but now he doesn't even are if i was alive or dead.
I need. To make time for the people i know are wrth it but I'm to consumed by other things to make time for and i will make the time.

i feel like i cant have bad days, or feel bad or want to complain.
It makes me feel horrible and selfish.
I know my life could be alot worse. I know people who have it alot harder.
But then i know people who couldnt have it any better and complain 24/7.
I never want to seem like anything is bothering me, let alone let people know about things.
I do want to talk to people, tell them about things, then i just feel stupid.
Ive tried, because i had to explain why i wasnt talking to them and it just made me feel pathetic.
So as i am now, i probably still wont talk to people about anything.
And lie about it or shrug it all off.
I want to be strong for the people i love, they dont need me to be weak.
I took the day off school today, to catch up on school work but i slept til 1. i went to sleep at 10 oclock last night.
Im currently doing school work and feeling alright about it, i need to get through this year with a decent grade because i know how much people have sacrificed to put me in this position.
One day, ill cry and be able to tell someone everything. That poor person. But then again this person might just hear it, laugh at me, call me stupid and walk away. And they would be right and ive atleast opened up.

I have constant moments when i stop, think, relize and remember then cherish.
The fact that i am so lucky that i have a best friend as perfect as i do.
I believe its the best thing life could give. Love, friendship, trust, loyalty, everything in one pretty package.

Im so tired of crying everyday.